Happy: day 11

At the end of a decidedly unhappy day at my house (the hubby has been so stressed with a discovery at work that has had everyone scrambling for 2 weeks that he was sick all weekend, and today a new discovery was made that the word “layoff” a much more real, but still possibly distant concept; the baby has been sick for 4 days, although I thought she was getting better yesterday, but she apparently was “throwing up all day” but the day care failed to get a hold of us), I find myself asking the basic question of the definition of Happiness.

I know that Dictionary.com is not going to solve my happiness dilemma any more than smiling in the mirror every morning will. But, like the smiling, it’s a place to start. So here it is:

hap·pi·ness/ˈhæpinɪs/ Pronunciation Key–noun

1. the quality or state of being happy

2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy

—Synonyms 1, 2. pleasure, joy, exhilaration, bliss, contentedness, delight, enjoyment, satisfaction. Happiness, bliss, contentment, felicity imply an active or passive state of pleasure or pleasurable satisfaction. Happiness results from the possession or attainment of what one considers good: the happiness of visiting one's family. Bliss is unalloyed happiness or supreme delight: the bliss of perfect companionship. Contentment is a peaceful kind of happiness in which one rests without desires, even though every wish may not have been gratified: contentment in one's surroundings. Felicity is a formal word for happiness of an especially fortunate or intense kind: to wish a young couple felicity in life.

—Antonyms 1. misery.

Without offering a dull commentary on the whole thing, I’d like to mention a few of the points above. First, I think that I am rarely in a “state of being happy.” I’ve never thought of it as “the possession or attainment of what one considers good,” mostly because I think that would take me on a tangent of what exactly it means for something to be “good.” Maybe I’ll think about that over the next few days. Second, I think I’ve excused my lack of happiness by using the word “content.” However, I’m not sure that I have ever “rested without desires, even though every wish may not have been gratified.” Maybe for a few moments on an especially beautiful day, when “things” were going particularly well and I could set aside the fact that I didn’t have everything I wanted. But I have a hard time even imagining living life in a state of constant contentment.

And if I can’t do that, how do I expect to attain happiness within one month? This is the point at which I seriously contemplate giving up on this whole experiment. But then, isn’t this kind of the point? What kind of exercise would this be if it were easy? I guess it would really say something about me if everything was going great and I still couldn’t be happy. But if I can pull off Happy with stress and illness and some major lack of sleep going on, I guess then, my month would prove something.

Happy: day 6

While thinking about being happy, I had to think about why I’m not someone that people would refer to as “a happy person.” I thought of 2 reasons:

1. I have known some specific people who have been “happy,” and they have greatly annoyed me. The reason they annoyed me wasn’t because of their happiness, it was because of their constant smiles. When you’re having a bad day, the last thing you want to see is other people looking like they’re on top of the world. And I understand that those people have bad days too, and they have just learned to smile through it. But it sometimes seems that people who are constantly smiling have no idea how to react when someone brings up a serious topic. One particular person I recall from college had a terribly awkward look on her face when she realized that the conversation she was listening to had turned to a very serious and depressing topic. First, her smile drooped, but didn’t disappear, then she looked around to see if anyone noticed that she was still smiling, then she put her head down to properly arrange her face and to appear solemn. Basically, by the time she had arranged the right expression, she looked like an idiot.
   
2. I come from a line of stoic Germans, on both sides of my family. While my parents and even grandparents have a good (but still conservative) sense of humor, I don’t think it goes further back than that. I come from family who was dirt poor in Germany, so they migrated to Russia. They were dirt poor there, so they came to America, where they got on their feet just in time to barely survive the Depression. No wonder humor wasn’t a top priority to pass down to children.

As far as the first point, I’m mostly just afraid of looking like an idiot. People who are often smiling appear to not have many thoughts; I pride myself on actually having thoughts. I think the trick there is to consider a current co-worker who I think of as a very happy person. But she is also thoughtful and intelligent, and takes important things seriously when she needs to. She gets stressed out and worried, and I’ve even seen her cry. But she’s almost always ready to have some fun. And no matter what she’s dealing with, she’s at least got an encouraging smile to offer. Whatever that balance is between happy and serious, she’s found it.

And for the second point: a few years ago, my mom’s family was all together. One of my cousins (whom I don’t see often) commented that I was always smiling. I was actually insulted. Maybe that’s just what’s to be expected when you get together with the stoic Germans. I’m going to see that family again in a few weeks; will I be “happy” then and okay with “always smiling?” After 2 weeks of this exercise, I guess we’ll see.

Happy: day 1

I have come up with the habit I would like to form for Happiness. This may sound lame, but I am going to try smiling at myself in the mirror every morning.

I’ve been thinking about this, and have found that my daughter makes me happy, my husband makes me happy. Usually, my friends make me happy. There are even moments where my work makes me happy (I work with kids, and while most of my job involves dealing with staff and parents, I do get some “kid time,” and it’s often hilarious – especially those kindergartners!). But I have realized that I don’t often make myself happy. So that’s my first attempt at happiness, not only will I smile every morning (which I usually do for my daughter anyway), I’m going to smile for myself.

I haven’t told my husband about this yet (he’ll probably laugh at me), so I’m going to try to remember to do it every day without a post-it on the mirror.

Ground Rules

So, I’ve been thinking about some ground rules I should set for myself for this project.
• I don’t think I can commit to an exact number of posts each month, so I’m going to allow myself to be flexible there.
• I thought about making it a rule to not give excuses for why I’m not already doing the things on The List, but then I decided that it may actually help me to take a look at possible reasons. I don’t want this to turn into a big psycho-therapy session, but just listing reasons (without getting into detailed excuses) might just help me put them aside forever.
• I’m a thinker. And it would be really easy for me to make this whole project purely cognitive: learning about the words I use, finding synonyms for them, thinking about how to apply them. But never applying them. So, each month, for each trait I will be exploring, I want to DO something. Sometimes, it can be an action I hope to repeat enough to form a habit. These websites say it takes 21 days of repetition to form a habit. This one claims 30. No matter which one is right, I’m feeling pretty confident that I do it in a month, with the right motivation and discipline. Of course, the success of this will be one of the things I’ll record in the blog.
• I’ve decided that I shouldn’t wait till June 1 to start this project, even though that makes the most sense in my nearly-OCD brain. So the 11th of every month will be day 1 of the new topic. If I keep it going for the whole year, I will finish the day before my 31st birthday.

Well, here I go…

the list

As I approach my 30^th birthday, and begin to settle into the person I have become; and as my daughter reaches the 4½ month mark, and her personality begins to emerge; I find myself re-evaluating some things. Tonight, I started thinking about my baby as she grows, and personality traits or attributes or whatever you’d call them that I hope she accumulates as she gets older. And as I thought about my list, I discovered that I have very few of these traits myself. And how can I expect her to learn them when I can’t teach them by example? I hope to surround her with other people who have these attributes, but I know she’ll learn most from me – good and not so good.

So I figured I should try to do something about this. I have decided to begin an exercise of self-improvement. My plan (if I stick with it) is to spend one month on each of the things on my list, and to report on my “progress.” This list is by no means extensive, but I’m going to try to not add to it, since as it stands, it will take me a whole year to get through everything. I’ve also started out with some “sub-points” just so I remember to explore them when I get there. Some of them could stand alone, but I knew if my list was any longer I’d get discouraged before I began. These main points are not in order of importance, but in order of how I thought I could handle them. I may be wrong about that, and some I am actually dreading already. But I’m not doing this for me, it’s all for her!

THE LIST:

1. Happy
2. Hopeful
3. Patient
1. flexible
4. Kind
1. friendly
2. accepting
3. approachable
5. Teachable
6. Confident
1. independent
7. Disciplined
1. self-controlled
2. resourceful
8. Passionate
9. Gracious
1. able to accept compliments
2. respectful
10. Generous
11. Graceful
12. Peaceful