Okay, here's the deal. I'm a mom. I'm also a working mom. And my laptop broke last summer and has slowly been on the mend. All of those things together have made this blog fall by the wayside.
Also, I decided that "Disciplined" was a very stupid element to add to this exercise, so I quite in the middle of that one. That doesn't mean I quit the whole thing, it was just very hard to get back to it.
And the reason it was so hard is that I don't have any idea where to go with the Passion thing. It seems like I should find something to be passionate about, right? If you judge that by the time and energy I spend on things, other than my job, I must be passionate about keeping my house clean. That's pretty sad!
I do think that I'm passionate about my daughter and being a good mom. That's why I started this blog, right? But lately, I'm wondering if that's just making me paranoid and insecure (some health issues followed by seeing family with young children who are more perfect than mine). What I really need, to show her how good passion is, is to find something outside of my house to be passionate about. A charity or something. I'm in a book club, but that's pretty minor. I'd like to join an orchestra, but it'll be a while before I have that kind of time. I've wanted to volunteer for a while, and even have some ideas of where and what, but still, that darn time thing.
Okay, here's my project for Passion. I am going to be passionate about finding time. Time to play with my daughter without listening for the dryer to be done. Time to just sit and read. Time to watch meaningless TV with my husband. Time to knit. Time to catch up with the friends who have been neglected since motherhood came along. The problem with finding all this time is that I also place a pretty big emphasis on my time to Sleep! I've got a few weeks here, till I move on. Maybe I'll figure something out before Passion is over.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Disciplined: Day 16
This one is late because it's very low on my priority list. In fact, I think I added it in order to stick to my diet through the holidays.
I do want my daughter to be able to finish the things she starts. And if that's a diet, good for her, I guess. I did have "self-control" as a sub-point on The List. And that's what you need to get through a diet. It's also an important thing to teach her as she's young and impulsive. Once again, though, I'm not sure how to teach it. Is that one of those things that parents are somehow able to do, as long as they have the intention? I think I'm kind of counting on that with a lot of these things.
I do want my daughter to be able to finish the things she starts. And if that's a diet, good for her, I guess. I did have "self-control" as a sub-point on The List. And that's what you need to get through a diet. It's also an important thing to teach her as she's young and impulsive. Once again, though, I'm not sure how to teach it. Is that one of those things that parents are somehow able to do, as long as they have the intention? I think I'm kind of counting on that with a lot of these things.
Confidence: Day ??
To conclude Confidence (almost a month behind), I have three areas of confidence that I've been thinking about.
First, confidence has a lot to do with appearance. Maybe it shouldn't, but I think it does for almost everyone at some point. I'm not very good at feeling confident in my appearance. I discovered a while ago that I could be pretty. And the reason I'm not pretty is just because I don't try very hard. I've never learned how to try hard. I think I went to a Mary Kay party in high school, and I remember some little gathering of girls to determine our best colors. But beyond that, I got quick (and not very good) lessons in make-up application and hair styling from my mom.
When my daughter is ready for these things (which will probably be before I'm ready for her to be ready...), I will actually do something about it. I will take her to Macy's and let someone at a make-up counter teach her what to do. I'll take her to a stylist and let them help her find the best style for her hair type (heck, she could use that now). I'll tell her about eyebrow shaping (something I didn't learn till college). I'll be up on current clothing styles (even if I won't allow them all in my house). I won't be afraid to shop at Gap Kids or Limited Too (although the bulk of her wardrobe will come from Target!). My mom was afraid of Dayton's. Although I don't want her appearance to be the most important thing to my daughter (like those Alpha girls), I don't want it to stand in the way of her confidence in these other areas:
Presence is closely related to appearance, but not the same thing. If you're not confident that you look good, it's very difficult to walk into a room confidently. But there are also those who feel they look good, but still aren't confident in a crowd. Maybe these are Betas. I want my daughter to be confident to walk into a room with poise. She doesn't need to be the prettiest girl in the room, or command the attention of everyone there; I just don't want her to hide in the shadows and hope no one sees her. I have no idea how to teach this one, since it's something I have a hard time with myself. Her dad is better at this; maybe he can teach us both.
The last area I thought of is Confidence in One's Abilities. This sort of has nothing to do with the other two, but think of those anti-social people who know they're really good at something. I don't want her to be like that either. But I do want her to feel that she's good at things, and to be confident about sharing those abilities. Humility is good, but not when it's fake, and not when it's covering a real desire to be noticed. I want to give her the confidence to have true humility. And I think the way to do that is to not just compliment her (my dad does that and it's just total cheese), but to ask her to make things using her talent, or to encourage her to teach others (or ME), or to join her in the activity so she can be better than I am. And I should work on not getting frustrated with myself and my creative failures.
So that's what I have to say on Confidence. This was one that I was really worried about; but I think I've learned a lot. I think that's why it's taken me almost 2 months to get through it.
First, confidence has a lot to do with appearance. Maybe it shouldn't, but I think it does for almost everyone at some point. I'm not very good at feeling confident in my appearance. I discovered a while ago that I could be pretty. And the reason I'm not pretty is just because I don't try very hard. I've never learned how to try hard. I think I went to a Mary Kay party in high school, and I remember some little gathering of girls to determine our best colors. But beyond that, I got quick (and not very good) lessons in make-up application and hair styling from my mom.
When my daughter is ready for these things (which will probably be before I'm ready for her to be ready...), I will actually do something about it. I will take her to Macy's and let someone at a make-up counter teach her what to do. I'll take her to a stylist and let them help her find the best style for her hair type (heck, she could use that now). I'll tell her about eyebrow shaping (something I didn't learn till college). I'll be up on current clothing styles (even if I won't allow them all in my house). I won't be afraid to shop at Gap Kids or Limited Too (although the bulk of her wardrobe will come from Target!). My mom was afraid of Dayton's. Although I don't want her appearance to be the most important thing to my daughter (like those Alpha girls), I don't want it to stand in the way of her confidence in these other areas:
Presence is closely related to appearance, but not the same thing. If you're not confident that you look good, it's very difficult to walk into a room confidently. But there are also those who feel they look good, but still aren't confident in a crowd. Maybe these are Betas. I want my daughter to be confident to walk into a room with poise. She doesn't need to be the prettiest girl in the room, or command the attention of everyone there; I just don't want her to hide in the shadows and hope no one sees her. I have no idea how to teach this one, since it's something I have a hard time with myself. Her dad is better at this; maybe he can teach us both.
The last area I thought of is Confidence in One's Abilities. This sort of has nothing to do with the other two, but think of those anti-social people who know they're really good at something. I don't want her to be like that either. But I do want her to feel that she's good at things, and to be confident about sharing those abilities. Humility is good, but not when it's fake, and not when it's covering a real desire to be noticed. I want to give her the confidence to have true humility. And I think the way to do that is to not just compliment her (my dad does that and it's just total cheese), but to ask her to make things using her talent, or to encourage her to teach others (or ME), or to join her in the activity so she can be better than I am. And I should work on not getting frustrated with myself and my creative failures.
So that's what I have to say on Confidence. This was one that I was really worried about; but I think I've learned a lot. I think that's why it's taken me almost 2 months to get through it.
Confidence: Day ??
Several years ago, Newsweek had an article about teen girls. They put them in the categories Alpha, Beta, and Gamma. I liked the article, but thought they needed at least one more category. I'm calling it Delta. I tried to find the article online and couldn't, so you'll just have to trust my overview.
Alpha girls are the popular ones. They always have perfect hair and clothes, just the right accessories, and wonder why others don't. I believe that most of these girls have the natural talent of fashion knowledge. They are often the girls who look adorable in an old sweat suit, and can make an outfit of a t-shirt and jeans, and their hair looks great in a ponytail. In high school (which is the demographic the article was dealing with), these girls are often snotty and very, very clique-y.
Beta girls want to be Alpha girls. They try harder to be fashion conscious (often because they don't have that natural talent), and tend to be more competitive. Beta girls don't have the confidence that Alpha girls do, often because they are not in the most elite cliques. When Alpha girls leave the house, they know they look great. When Beta girls leave the house, they wonder if the Alpha girls will approve.
Gamma girls couldn't care less about fashion. They are often athletic (although not always), and are more concerned about being comfortable than looking great. They are confident in the choices they're making, even if it doesn't make them popular. (An interesting side note: the article spent quite a bit of time on the fact that most Gamma girls are very involved in their churches.) Gamma girls are more interested in their education and having friends, than in primping in the bathroom and having the RIGHT friends.
I'd like to add the Delta girl. This is the category I fit in when I was in high school. Basically, Delta is to Gamma as Beta is to Alpha. Meaning: Beta girls lack the confidence of Alpha girls, but they really want to be the same. Delta girls lack confidence, but they want to be able to not care about what people think, the way Gamma girls can.
I'd also like to move this into adulthood a little bit. Alpha girls grown up are still the ones who look cute in anything. Their financial priorities are clothes, accessories, and gym memberships to keep looking great. Although some outgrow that snottiness, many do not. They may not have the elitist element that high school girls often do; if there a deal at Marshalls, they may be all over it. They may not care where their clothes are from, as long as they look great. But they maybe still don't quite understand that others don't really care.
Beta girls grown up have often gained some confidence. However, they tend to be defensive about it. Rather than being entirely comfortable with themselves, they enter a room with an attitude that says, I am HERE. And if you don't like it, I've got somethin' to say to you!
Gamma girls as women are often still athletic. They have gym memberships for the love of it, not for the obsession with weight. But then, Gamma girls are also the ones who can make plus-sizes sexy. They buy clothes for the purpose of covering, with an eye for what doesn't look terrible, but they don't take the time to think harder than that.
Delta girls, like me, still wish to be something else. I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me that I've never had a manicure or pedicure or a massage or facial. I wish I could look cute in clothes; I wish I could buy clothes that are cuter than mine. I wish I could lose weight, and I think that might help.
So, although I hope that all of these of women are interested in improving themselves, I think Gammas and Deltas are more self-aware of things that need to change. But I think Deltas sometimes get caught up in some superficial improvements that Gammas wouldn't bother with. I want to be a Gamma. I want to raise my daughter to be a Gamma. Now, if only I could figure out how
Alpha girls are the popular ones. They always have perfect hair and clothes, just the right accessories, and wonder why others don't. I believe that most of these girls have the natural talent of fashion knowledge. They are often the girls who look adorable in an old sweat suit, and can make an outfit of a t-shirt and jeans, and their hair looks great in a ponytail. In high school (which is the demographic the article was dealing with), these girls are often snotty and very, very clique-y.
Beta girls want to be Alpha girls. They try harder to be fashion conscious (often because they don't have that natural talent), and tend to be more competitive. Beta girls don't have the confidence that Alpha girls do, often because they are not in the most elite cliques. When Alpha girls leave the house, they know they look great. When Beta girls leave the house, they wonder if the Alpha girls will approve.
Gamma girls couldn't care less about fashion. They are often athletic (although not always), and are more concerned about being comfortable than looking great. They are confident in the choices they're making, even if it doesn't make them popular. (An interesting side note: the article spent quite a bit of time on the fact that most Gamma girls are very involved in their churches.) Gamma girls are more interested in their education and having friends, than in primping in the bathroom and having the RIGHT friends.
I'd like to add the Delta girl. This is the category I fit in when I was in high school. Basically, Delta is to Gamma as Beta is to Alpha. Meaning: Beta girls lack the confidence of Alpha girls, but they really want to be the same. Delta girls lack confidence, but they want to be able to not care about what people think, the way Gamma girls can.
I'd also like to move this into adulthood a little bit. Alpha girls grown up are still the ones who look cute in anything. Their financial priorities are clothes, accessories, and gym memberships to keep looking great. Although some outgrow that snottiness, many do not. They may not have the elitist element that high school girls often do; if there a deal at Marshalls, they may be all over it. They may not care where their clothes are from, as long as they look great. But they maybe still don't quite understand that others don't really care.
Beta girls grown up have often gained some confidence. However, they tend to be defensive about it. Rather than being entirely comfortable with themselves, they enter a room with an attitude that says, I am HERE. And if you don't like it, I've got somethin' to say to you!
Gamma girls as women are often still athletic. They have gym memberships for the love of it, not for the obsession with weight. But then, Gamma girls are also the ones who can make plus-sizes sexy. They buy clothes for the purpose of covering, with an eye for what doesn't look terrible, but they don't take the time to think harder than that.
Delta girls, like me, still wish to be something else. I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me that I've never had a manicure or pedicure or a massage or facial. I wish I could look cute in clothes; I wish I could buy clothes that are cuter than mine. I wish I could lose weight, and I think that might help.
So, although I hope that all of these of women are interested in improving themselves, I think Gammas and Deltas are more self-aware of things that need to change. But I think Deltas sometimes get caught up in some superficial improvements that Gammas wouldn't bother with. I want to be a Gamma. I want to raise my daughter to be a Gamma. Now, if only I could figure out how
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Confidence: Day 15
I think I've hit a turning point on this topic. The timing is incredible.
See, a few years ago, I had just started a job with kids. It was at a huge school, with lots of kids, and lots of staff. One of the staff, Linda, had my job title but a little different job discription. And she'd been there for years. She knew how everything should work and what wouldn't work at all. She got very good at micro-managing EVERYTHING! Another co-worker and I were always frustrated by that, and could never figure out how to deal with it.
That summer, a staff who had been there a few years before and left to teach, came back to work with us. Linda didn't affect her. At all. And not because Linda didn't try. This other staff (it's driving me crazy that I can't remember her name) just never let it touch her. She laughed at it, and was so far above it that it all seemed so petty to me.
It was refreshing to see that, and yet I somehow couldn't follow her lead.
I'm ready now.
I'm ready to let go of the desire for my parents to understand me. I'm ready to forget all the little infractions they've committed against me. I'm ready to stop trying to explain myself to them.
It saddens me that I couldn't get through to them. I tried. But when it's an unspoken rule that confrontation should be avoided at all costs, there is no time or place to bring these things up. We tried email, my husband tried conversation. But it was always an argument and never a discussion. I have long given up on trying to explain things point-blank. But I was sort of hoping we could get there with little comments or small actions.
Obviously, that's not working. I never should have thought that it would. So now, I'm getting beyond that. Maybe I'm giving up. But maybe that's not a bad thing.
What I'm finding as I contemplate this, is that it's going to take some serious Confidence. I don't think that 17 more days is going to be enough. But it will focus the Independence element of this month. And, Discipline may be the perfect thing to follow this up with.
See, a few years ago, I had just started a job with kids. It was at a huge school, with lots of kids, and lots of staff. One of the staff, Linda, had my job title but a little different job discription. And she'd been there for years. She knew how everything should work and what wouldn't work at all. She got very good at micro-managing EVERYTHING! Another co-worker and I were always frustrated by that, and could never figure out how to deal with it.
That summer, a staff who had been there a few years before and left to teach, came back to work with us. Linda didn't affect her. At all. And not because Linda didn't try. This other staff (it's driving me crazy that I can't remember her name) just never let it touch her. She laughed at it, and was so far above it that it all seemed so petty to me.
It was refreshing to see that, and yet I somehow couldn't follow her lead.
I'm ready now.
I'm ready to let go of the desire for my parents to understand me. I'm ready to forget all the little infractions they've committed against me. I'm ready to stop trying to explain myself to them.
It saddens me that I couldn't get through to them. I tried. But when it's an unspoken rule that confrontation should be avoided at all costs, there is no time or place to bring these things up. We tried email, my husband tried conversation. But it was always an argument and never a discussion. I have long given up on trying to explain things point-blank. But I was sort of hoping we could get there with little comments or small actions.
Obviously, that's not working. I never should have thought that it would. So now, I'm getting beyond that. Maybe I'm giving up. But maybe that's not a bad thing.
What I'm finding as I contemplate this, is that it's going to take some serious Confidence. I don't think that 17 more days is going to be enough. But it will focus the Independence element of this month. And, Discipline may be the perfect thing to follow this up with.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Confidence: Day 13
It is amazing to me how quickly a visit from parental units will rip apart all semblance of Confidence.
They came to help Hubby finish the basement. My brother came too. Suddenly, we were surrounded by all of the things we left a few years ago (see the other blog on my profile). I am very comfortable with where I am in my life, especially spiritually. Actually, I’m in total limbo, but I’m comfortable there. Seeing my family makes me feel so very inadequate. They make me feel that I’m doing so many things wrong that they can’t even bring it up because there is so much to say. I guess that’s the charm of passive-aggressive behavior.
And it also tells me that I’m too sensitive. What I’d really like, is to so completely NOT CARE what they think or how they feel about me, my husband, or how we’re choosing to raise our child. If I really focus on that over the next few weeks, do you think I can get there by Thanksgiving.
They’re coming back then…
They came to help Hubby finish the basement. My brother came too. Suddenly, we were surrounded by all of the things we left a few years ago (see the other blog on my profile). I am very comfortable with where I am in my life, especially spiritually. Actually, I’m in total limbo, but I’m comfortable there. Seeing my family makes me feel so very inadequate. They make me feel that I’m doing so many things wrong that they can’t even bring it up because there is so much to say. I guess that’s the charm of passive-aggressive behavior.
And it also tells me that I’m too sensitive. What I’d really like, is to so completely NOT CARE what they think or how they feel about me, my husband, or how we’re choosing to raise our child. If I really focus on that over the next few weeks, do you think I can get there by Thanksgiving.
They’re coming back then…
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Confidence: Day 7
I really haven’t given up on this blog. I just sort of forget about it sometimes.
Really quickly, here’s what I have to say about Confidence:
I have never been a confident person. I have always felt inadequate in every endeavor I have attempted. That includes jobs, hobbies, friendships, relationships, and pretty much all other realms of life.
I’m sure there is some psychological reason behind this, and a little therapy would do me good. But I would also like to report that I think I’m on an up-swing here.
First, parenting is WONDERFUL! Of course, it is also another realm for me to lack confidence in, and I very often do. But, in general, I believe I’m a pretty good mom. I know there are things I could pay more attention to, and things I could let go of sooner. And I also know that my child’s success in life is not entirely related to my parenting abilities. But just looking at my daughter makes me feel good about our family.
Second, I’m losing weight. I know that Looks cannot be all there is to Confidence, but it helps. I don’t think I’ve ever been the thinnest girl in the room, even when I was little. I wasn’t “overweight” until maybe high school, and even then it was never a health concern. About 5 years ago, I started losing weight and was really excited about it. Then I changed jobs and gained 2 sizes in 3 months. I have finally reached the verge of fitting into my jeans from 5 years ago. And I’m hoping to keep going. It makes me feel good, and is improving my confidence.
So there are my first thoughts on Confidence.
Really quickly, here’s what I have to say about Confidence:
I have never been a confident person. I have always felt inadequate in every endeavor I have attempted. That includes jobs, hobbies, friendships, relationships, and pretty much all other realms of life.
I’m sure there is some psychological reason behind this, and a little therapy would do me good. But I would also like to report that I think I’m on an up-swing here.
First, parenting is WONDERFUL! Of course, it is also another realm for me to lack confidence in, and I very often do. But, in general, I believe I’m a pretty good mom. I know there are things I could pay more attention to, and things I could let go of sooner. And I also know that my child’s success in life is not entirely related to my parenting abilities. But just looking at my daughter makes me feel good about our family.
Second, I’m losing weight. I know that Looks cannot be all there is to Confidence, but it helps. I don’t think I’ve ever been the thinnest girl in the room, even when I was little. I wasn’t “overweight” until maybe high school, and even then it was never a health concern. About 5 years ago, I started losing weight and was really excited about it. Then I changed jobs and gained 2 sizes in 3 months. I have finally reached the verge of fitting into my jeans from 5 years ago. And I’m hoping to keep going. It makes me feel good, and is improving my confidence.
So there are my first thoughts on Confidence.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
I'm still here!
I really haven't given up on this experiment! I think that spending a month on Kindness was about as effective as the month of Patience, but for different reasons.
See, Patience is something I need to work on and was thoroughly overwhelmed by concentrating on it so much. On the other hand, I don't think that I am in unkind person.
As far as the sub-points; I could be a little friendlier, especially to random strangers. What's interesting is that I did actually try that during the August Kindness month. And what I found is that, even in the heart of Minnesota Nice territory, people look at you weird when you try to be Friendly. This includes restaurant hostesses, Target cashiers, and the nurse at the doctor's office. And "weird looks" can range from surprise to annoyance to indulgence.
Approachable is a difficult thing. I was mostly thinking about work when I added this sub-point. I'm the supervisor of several staff, and I want to be Kind enough that they feel that they can approach me with different issues that they're dealing with. I think that's happening as much as it can. I have taken time to get to know my two lead staff, and I think that has helped with the Kindness thing, although I didn't do it as part of this exercise.
I'm not entirely sure what to say about being Accepting. Maybe this is part of what makes me think I'm already a pretty kind person. Since leaving church (see my other blog under my profile), I've thought a lot about judgment and being Judgmental. And to me, Acceptance is the opposite of Judgment. Maybe there's another opposite that I should contemplate at some point, but I think I have this one covered. But then, maybe I'm only comparing myself to my hubby, who makes judgmental comments all the time, especially in the car. To be fair, he usually does it just to be funny. But I find myself defending all the poor suckers he picks on. Maybe that's not exactly Accepting...
Anyway, that's what I have to say on the month of Kindness.
TEACHABLE
Wow. This one's hard. Again, I may have been thinking a little about work. I think I was also thinking about being an example of this for my daughter, since Teachable children are usually easier to deal with.
I'm just not sure what to say about it. Maybe I'll come up with something in the next 9 days. I'll let you know.
See, Patience is something I need to work on and was thoroughly overwhelmed by concentrating on it so much. On the other hand, I don't think that I am in unkind person.
As far as the sub-points; I could be a little friendlier, especially to random strangers. What's interesting is that I did actually try that during the August Kindness month. And what I found is that, even in the heart of Minnesota Nice territory, people look at you weird when you try to be Friendly. This includes restaurant hostesses, Target cashiers, and the nurse at the doctor's office. And "weird looks" can range from surprise to annoyance to indulgence.
Approachable is a difficult thing. I was mostly thinking about work when I added this sub-point. I'm the supervisor of several staff, and I want to be Kind enough that they feel that they can approach me with different issues that they're dealing with. I think that's happening as much as it can. I have taken time to get to know my two lead staff, and I think that has helped with the Kindness thing, although I didn't do it as part of this exercise.
I'm not entirely sure what to say about being Accepting. Maybe this is part of what makes me think I'm already a pretty kind person. Since leaving church (see my other blog under my profile), I've thought a lot about judgment and being Judgmental. And to me, Acceptance is the opposite of Judgment. Maybe there's another opposite that I should contemplate at some point, but I think I have this one covered. But then, maybe I'm only comparing myself to my hubby, who makes judgmental comments all the time, especially in the car. To be fair, he usually does it just to be funny. But I find myself defending all the poor suckers he picks on. Maybe that's not exactly Accepting...
Anyway, that's what I have to say on the month of Kindness.
TEACHABLE
Wow. This one's hard. Again, I may have been thinking a little about work. I think I was also thinking about being an example of this for my daughter, since Teachable children are usually easier to deal with.
I'm just not sure what to say about it. Maybe I'll come up with something in the next 9 days. I'll let you know.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Kindness: Day 1
This one is kind of timely. As a manager, I have to do staff reviews this week. I'm not really worried about it; the one staff I had that wasn't going to be fun to talk with has left for school early. But it'll just be the perfect situation for me to ease into thinking about Kindness.
But I was also thinking about how Kindness relates to Patience. I was wondering if I would have had more success with Patience if I had started with Kindness. I figured that my problem with Patience was that, after losing it, I wasn't Kind. But, after more thought, I think this may be a better order; I've already found myself determining when I lose my patience, now I just need to add kindness to those situations.
As for my sub-points, they may take even more thought. Being Friendly isn't too bad, living in the land of Minnesota Nice. Even when MN Nice is bull, people still say "Hi" on the street (it happened to me tonight). I'm not one to go out of my way to be Friendly, so I guess that may be where I'm headed on that point.
The topic of Accepting may be more difficult. I'm not entirely sure what that means. Is it about Diversity? Is it about Judgment? Is it about Open-mindedness? Questions to ponder over the next month.
And finally, Approachable. This one's kind of hard because it's almost more about other people. How will I know if I'm approachable unless people approach me? And what if they just don't have a reason to?
One more point before I begin this month: I have recently come to the discovery that I am kind of a People Pleaser. I don't know if that's surprising or a no-brainer to those of you who know me; it kind of surprised me. The biggest reason I'd never thought of myself this way is that I'm not the person who "can't say 'No'." But then, I've never had a crowd of people asking for my help. I rarely have anyone asking for my help. So, how can you be a People Pleaser if you have to people to please? And yet, according to one author who has a list of seven things a People Pleaser does or thinks, I fit three of them. I don't know if that's enough to really make me an official People Pleaser, but it's enough for me to bring it up here. My point is that I don't want a month of concentrating on Kindness to solidify my place as a People Pleaser. This is, after all, an exercise of self-improvement. And it would be sad if a self-awareness project sent me into therapy (funny how the years of therapy I did have didn't bring this out...).
But I was also thinking about how Kindness relates to Patience. I was wondering if I would have had more success with Patience if I had started with Kindness. I figured that my problem with Patience was that, after losing it, I wasn't Kind. But, after more thought, I think this may be a better order; I've already found myself determining when I lose my patience, now I just need to add kindness to those situations.
As for my sub-points, they may take even more thought. Being Friendly isn't too bad, living in the land of Minnesota Nice. Even when MN Nice is bull, people still say "Hi" on the street (it happened to me tonight). I'm not one to go out of my way to be Friendly, so I guess that may be where I'm headed on that point.
The topic of Accepting may be more difficult. I'm not entirely sure what that means. Is it about Diversity? Is it about Judgment? Is it about Open-mindedness? Questions to ponder over the next month.
And finally, Approachable. This one's kind of hard because it's almost more about other people. How will I know if I'm approachable unless people approach me? And what if they just don't have a reason to?
One more point before I begin this month: I have recently come to the discovery that I am kind of a People Pleaser. I don't know if that's surprising or a no-brainer to those of you who know me; it kind of surprised me. The biggest reason I'd never thought of myself this way is that I'm not the person who "can't say 'No'." But then, I've never had a crowd of people asking for my help. I rarely have anyone asking for my help. So, how can you be a People Pleaser if you have to people to please? And yet, according to one author who has a list of seven things a People Pleaser does or thinks, I fit three of them. I don't know if that's enough to really make me an official People Pleaser, but it's enough for me to bring it up here. My point is that I don't want a month of concentrating on Kindness to solidify my place as a People Pleaser. This is, after all, an exercise of self-improvement. And it would be sad if a self-awareness project sent me into therapy (funny how the years of therapy I did have didn't bring this out...).
Friday, August 10, 2007
First Quarter Update
Since the Patience month ended up being a bust, I thought I should review what's been going on with the first two month's exercises.
Happiness:
I'm pretty sure that no one (including me) would say that I'm suddenly a happier person than I was in April. But I do think I'm making strides. I've continued to record a Happy Moment for each day, although it hasn't become the ingrained habit I had hoped for: I often forget for a few days and have to go back and think of something. But I always do, so I think it's working pretty well.
Hope:
I came to a realization as I walked with hubby and baby tonight. It's important to note that we were walking across the Stone Arch Bridge in downtown Minneapolis, and from the middle we could turn around and just glimpse some of the destruction of the fallen 35W bridge. Of course, we'd seen it on TV, but I wanted to go there, to be part of it, if only momentarily and from a distance. What I realized was that I was not really raised to think of myself as a part of something bigger. I never really watched the news; my family was never involved in "community events" -- except church. Without getting into the baggage of church being my only "bigger world" (and believe me...), I just want to say that Volunteering and Donating are not just things I need to adjust my schedule and budget for; they are reasons that I need to change my whole thinking of time and money. I need to put myself in the middle of a world that is bigger than I, yet a world that -- from the middle -- I can possibly have a small and significant effect on.
That being said, I thought of the perfect place for me to volunteer: the Children's Hospital. I would love to do art projects with kids: friendship bracelets, origami, melt-a-beads. It's perfect. That's the one thing I miss about the job I had before I got promoted to management.
But then, just as I was figuring out how I could work a few hours a month into my life, the mail came. And in it, was a packet of Community Education classes. I have no intention of taking any, but I took a look anyway. And there was a class called "Raising a Resilient Child." The description says, "This class focuses on ways to foster hope and optimism in young children." Hope and Optimism; I hadn't thought if it that way. I guess that's kind of "hope for the future," but it also involves hope that right now, things can turn around and suddenly get wonderful. Optimism. I guess, as a pessimist, it makes sense that I didn't think of that.
And though I'm not entirely sure how to suddenly bring optimism into my life, the class concept made me reflect a little on the parenting thing. Motherhood is the whole reason I'm doing this experiment. And yet, there's something very counter-intuitive about giving up my precious working-mother "free time" to anything but my daughter, especially during her first few years. I think if I had been volunteering before, I would now take some time off to spend with my baby, and no one would hold that against me. And so, rather than feeling that I'm letting myself off the hook of feeling guilty for not volunteering, I think I've actually dodged the bullet of guilt for not spending the few hours a week I have with my daughter had I started volunteering. Does that make sense?
Patience:
So, I let this one go, and I guess I should consider it failure. But I did spend 21 days at least thinking about being more patient; that's more than most people. And for that, I think I deserve a modicum of success.
So, there it is. The last 3 months in review. Not a soaring success, but then, if it were, you'd probably know I was lying about something.
Happiness:
I'm pretty sure that no one (including me) would say that I'm suddenly a happier person than I was in April. But I do think I'm making strides. I've continued to record a Happy Moment for each day, although it hasn't become the ingrained habit I had hoped for: I often forget for a few days and have to go back and think of something. But I always do, so I think it's working pretty well.
Hope:
I came to a realization as I walked with hubby and baby tonight. It's important to note that we were walking across the Stone Arch Bridge in downtown Minneapolis, and from the middle we could turn around and just glimpse some of the destruction of the fallen 35W bridge. Of course, we'd seen it on TV, but I wanted to go there, to be part of it, if only momentarily and from a distance. What I realized was that I was not really raised to think of myself as a part of something bigger. I never really watched the news; my family was never involved in "community events" -- except church. Without getting into the baggage of church being my only "bigger world" (and believe me...), I just want to say that Volunteering and Donating are not just things I need to adjust my schedule and budget for; they are reasons that I need to change my whole thinking of time and money. I need to put myself in the middle of a world that is bigger than I, yet a world that -- from the middle -- I can possibly have a small and significant effect on.
That being said, I thought of the perfect place for me to volunteer: the Children's Hospital. I would love to do art projects with kids: friendship bracelets, origami, melt-a-beads. It's perfect. That's the one thing I miss about the job I had before I got promoted to management.
But then, just as I was figuring out how I could work a few hours a month into my life, the mail came. And in it, was a packet of Community Education classes. I have no intention of taking any, but I took a look anyway. And there was a class called "Raising a Resilient Child." The description says, "This class focuses on ways to foster hope and optimism in young children." Hope and Optimism; I hadn't thought if it that way. I guess that's kind of "hope for the future," but it also involves hope that right now, things can turn around and suddenly get wonderful. Optimism. I guess, as a pessimist, it makes sense that I didn't think of that.
And though I'm not entirely sure how to suddenly bring optimism into my life, the class concept made me reflect a little on the parenting thing. Motherhood is the whole reason I'm doing this experiment. And yet, there's something very counter-intuitive about giving up my precious working-mother "free time" to anything but my daughter, especially during her first few years. I think if I had been volunteering before, I would now take some time off to spend with my baby, and no one would hold that against me. And so, rather than feeling that I'm letting myself off the hook of feeling guilty for not volunteering, I think I've actually dodged the bullet of guilt for not spending the few hours a week I have with my daughter had I started volunteering. Does that make sense?
Patience:
So, I let this one go, and I guess I should consider it failure. But I did spend 21 days at least thinking about being more patient; that's more than most people. And for that, I think I deserve a modicum of success.
So, there it is. The last 3 months in review. Not a soaring success, but then, if it were, you'd probably know I was lying about something.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Patience: day 21
I am the most impatient person in the world and I haven't got a clue how to fix it and it's driving me bonkers! What makes me even crazier is that I'm now paying attention to it and noticing every time I fail, but not quite in time to change. Today at work, I caught myself right after losing it with a kid (I didn't yell, but I upset him a little), and I immediately thought of what I should say to him. But I was in the middle of leading an activity and had to wait till it was done. But by then I'd totally forgotten and didn't remember till I was on my way home. I may have ruined that kid's whole day.
Then, tonight, I got impatient with my baby for not taking a nap when she was tired and cranky. But not because I wanted her to get her rest. No, I just wanted to get some things done.
I got impatient with myself for thinking I can do things that I can't. Like making up quilt patterns or showing up for knitting classes. And these are my hobbies; they should make me happy!
And so, for the remaining 10 days of the Patience Month, I am going to attempt to return to my previous un-self-aware state where I was often impatient and frustrated, but I didn't always know it.
Then, tonight, I got impatient with my baby for not taking a nap when she was tired and cranky. But not because I wanted her to get her rest. No, I just wanted to get some things done.
I got impatient with myself for thinking I can do things that I can't. Like making up quilt patterns or showing up for knitting classes. And these are my hobbies; they should make me happy!
And so, for the remaining 10 days of the Patience Month, I am going to attempt to return to my previous un-self-aware state where I was often impatient and frustrated, but I didn't always know it.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Patience: day 15
Well, the reason I haven't had much to say on this topic yet is that the only thing I've learned in the last two weeks is that I really do have very little patience. I guess I knew that already. What I've really noticed is that when I lose my patience, it isn't usually in anger (although it's come close with some of those kids at work), it's usually frustration. And I find that I'm often frustrated, even when I don't realize I've been impatient. But I think, for me at least, the two are almost always connected.
I find it interesting that I added the term "flexible" to the topic of Patience, for two reasons. First, I find myself getting impatient with some of my staff for not being flexible. That doesn't sound right, does it? I think I've been dealing pretty well with them; keeping a positive face as they're complaining about things that are entirely within their control to change.
Secondly, and more significantly, I am now in a place to be flexible at home. We had a plan to make a huge dent in the project of finishing the basement during the month of July. All that got done is the list of what needs to be purchased. And since Hubby is a week away from the worst session of online school yet, I'm being asked to be flexible and let the whole thing go for two more months. Ironic that it's happening while I'm working on being patient.
But, in both of these situations, looking and sounding positive, and appearing to be okay with everything doesn't actually make me patient. So how do I actually become patient? If I keep faking it, will it suddenly start to be real (kind of like the smiling thing that didn't work)?
On a topic to make myself feel a little better about this, I have my baby. She's had a terrible cough for two months, and got an ear infection last weekend. While I'm impatient and frustrated with the dr for not helping with the cough when I've asked, I have not gotten impatient with my daughter. She's been sleeping very badly, and thus, so have I. And my lack of sleep sometimes makes me more impatient at work, but I have not taken it out on my baby, even when I had to sleep propped up on the couch to hold her in an upright position all night last night. Is that reason enough to feel successful about this topic?
I find it interesting that I added the term "flexible" to the topic of Patience, for two reasons. First, I find myself getting impatient with some of my staff for not being flexible. That doesn't sound right, does it? I think I've been dealing pretty well with them; keeping a positive face as they're complaining about things that are entirely within their control to change.
Secondly, and more significantly, I am now in a place to be flexible at home. We had a plan to make a huge dent in the project of finishing the basement during the month of July. All that got done is the list of what needs to be purchased. And since Hubby is a week away from the worst session of online school yet, I'm being asked to be flexible and let the whole thing go for two more months. Ironic that it's happening while I'm working on being patient.
But, in both of these situations, looking and sounding positive, and appearing to be okay with everything doesn't actually make me patient. So how do I actually become patient? If I keep faking it, will it suddenly start to be real (kind of like the smiling thing that didn't work)?
On a topic to make myself feel a little better about this, I have my baby. She's had a terrible cough for two months, and got an ear infection last weekend. While I'm impatient and frustrated with the dr for not helping with the cough when I've asked, I have not gotten impatient with my daughter. She's been sleeping very badly, and thus, so have I. And my lack of sleep sometimes makes me more impatient at work, but I have not taken it out on my baby, even when I had to sleep propped up on the couch to hold her in an upright position all night last night. Is that reason enough to feel successful about this topic?
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Patience: day 1
This is the first month that I’ve been sort of dreading. And the only reason it’s “sort of” is that I haven’t been thinking about it. I work with kids, and have for over 10 years. You’d think I would have achieved Patience in order to stick with this field. But here’s my confession: Over a year ago, when I applied for the management position I now have, it was to get away from the kids. Now, I love walking into a room and talking with some kinds, and then leaving. And the way our program is set up is perfect. It gives me time and energy to jump in with kid issues when I’m needed. Somehow, I rarely lose my patience in those situations.
At home, my baby is now 6½ months old. When I worked in the infant room at a daycare, this was my favorite age. But the daycare was baby-proofed. And I was paid to sit on the floor and play. I did have things to get done, but the kids always came first. As a working mom, I find myself getting impatient for naptime. I love playing with my baby; she’s got all the qualities I love about 6-month-olds: she knows me, her personality is quickly emerging, she laughs out loud, and I often see Learning happening in her eyes. But I still have to keep my house clean.
Yesterday, while she slept, I savored some potato chips and knit a little while watching TV. It wasn’t till she was awake and unhappy about being left alone that I remembered I had dishes to put away. When he got home, my hubby reminded me that it’s good to sit for 5 min, and that at least she gave me that much time. That’s true, but still….
So now, I’m embarking on the quest to figure out how to become more patient. I have no idea where to start; any suggestions?
At home, my baby is now 6½ months old. When I worked in the infant room at a daycare, this was my favorite age. But the daycare was baby-proofed. And I was paid to sit on the floor and play. I did have things to get done, but the kids always came first. As a working mom, I find myself getting impatient for naptime. I love playing with my baby; she’s got all the qualities I love about 6-month-olds: she knows me, her personality is quickly emerging, she laughs out loud, and I often see Learning happening in her eyes. But I still have to keep my house clean.
Yesterday, while she slept, I savored some potato chips and knit a little while watching TV. It wasn’t till she was awake and unhappy about being left alone that I remembered I had dishes to put away. When he got home, my hubby reminded me that it’s good to sit for 5 min, and that at least she gave me that much time. That’s true, but still….
So now, I’m embarking on the quest to figure out how to become more patient. I have no idea where to start; any suggestions?
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Hope: day 30
I feel like I've already had my final say on this topic. I guess the update for the end of the Hope month is that I'm still confident in my conclusion. We got a thing in the mail about donating to Operation Smile this week. Rather than feel guilty for not giving, or irritated that they were bugging us, I actually felt thankful for the Hope that this organization is putting into the world.
On Sunday morning, as we were channel surfing, a show about Third World hunger came on. My husband groaned and changed the channel. While I didn't really feel like watching the show either, I wasn't exasperated by the fact that a charity organization was taking over the airwaves for an hour, trying to make people feel guilty in their beautiful American homes with full refrigerators. I don't like the tactics some charities use to get money, but that doesn't change the Hope they use that money for.
I've been knitting for about five years. My aunt taught me how. She passed away over two years ago. She fought with breast cancer for several years, and when cancer returned the third time, it was in her liver and there was very little to be done. She was a beautiful human being, and so many people knew it that there were 500 at her funeral. Although I didn't have a lot of contact with her beyond the yearly family gatherings, I miss her pretty often.
I had a crazy idea this weekend. I've made 2 felted purses, several scarves, 1 successful baby sweater, and some other random stuff. I love it. I think it would be fun to sell it. We went to two art fairs this summer, and I didn't see any booths with knits. Maybe that means there's no market for them; or maybe it means that whomever fills that spot would sell tons of stuff. Who knows? But this weekend, I started looking stuff up online about selling at art fairs. Obviously, this would be a lot of work, and I'd have to make a ton of stuff to start with. It may be years before I have the inventory to actually do this. But I was just letting my imagination go, and thinking up logos and business names. I would like my aunt's name involved. Also, since I would be doing this more for fun than for major huge prophets, I think it would be very cool to start with the plan of giving a percentage of the prophet to cancer research.
This is years away, if it's going to happen at all. But, surprisingly, it fulfills both of my original definitions of Hope: Hope for the future -- having a plan and following through to make it happen, or just letting the imagination go with brilliant (though sometimes totally unrealistic) plans; and doing something that puts Hope into the world. So, although I haven't actually done anything over the last month, I feel like I've learned a lot and have changed my thinking on one pretty big topic. So, I think the Hope month has been very successful!
On Sunday morning, as we were channel surfing, a show about Third World hunger came on. My husband groaned and changed the channel. While I didn't really feel like watching the show either, I wasn't exasperated by the fact that a charity organization was taking over the airwaves for an hour, trying to make people feel guilty in their beautiful American homes with full refrigerators. I don't like the tactics some charities use to get money, but that doesn't change the Hope they use that money for.
I've been knitting for about five years. My aunt taught me how. She passed away over two years ago. She fought with breast cancer for several years, and when cancer returned the third time, it was in her liver and there was very little to be done. She was a beautiful human being, and so many people knew it that there were 500 at her funeral. Although I didn't have a lot of contact with her beyond the yearly family gatherings, I miss her pretty often.
I had a crazy idea this weekend. I've made 2 felted purses, several scarves, 1 successful baby sweater, and some other random stuff. I love it. I think it would be fun to sell it. We went to two art fairs this summer, and I didn't see any booths with knits. Maybe that means there's no market for them; or maybe it means that whomever fills that spot would sell tons of stuff. Who knows? But this weekend, I started looking stuff up online about selling at art fairs. Obviously, this would be a lot of work, and I'd have to make a ton of stuff to start with. It may be years before I have the inventory to actually do this. But I was just letting my imagination go, and thinking up logos and business names. I would like my aunt's name involved. Also, since I would be doing this more for fun than for major huge prophets, I think it would be very cool to start with the plan of giving a percentage of the prophet to cancer research.
This is years away, if it's going to happen at all. But, surprisingly, it fulfills both of my original definitions of Hope: Hope for the future -- having a plan and following through to make it happen, or just letting the imagination go with brilliant (though sometimes totally unrealistic) plans; and doing something that puts Hope into the world. So, although I haven't actually done anything over the last month, I feel like I've learned a lot and have changed my thinking on one pretty big topic. So, I think the Hope month has been very successful!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Hope: day 18
I've made a decision this month. I was not expecting to think about donating to causes and adding charity to my life until the "Generous" month. It is something I want to do, and something I want to teach my child. However, I'm not ready yet. And I'm going to let go of the guilt of that. I'm going to be okay with the fact that leasing a new car and beginning to finish our basement are the selfish reasons that I "can't" give money right now. But I do have a better explanation:
My motivation for giving to charity (or for at least wanting to give to charity) was one or a combination of three things. Usually, because it's the tactic the marketers use, it was guilt for being an advantaged American. There was also an element of wanting to look good -- like a "good Christian" to everyone I know. The "best" motivation was to feel better about myself; to know that I was putting something good into the world.
But now, as a result of these weeks of thought, I have a new motivation, even though I don't actually plan to do anything about it quite yet. My new reason for wanting to donate is to put more Hope into the world. I think that hearing about needs in the world will not make me feel guilty for not helping, but it will cause me to wish for Hope. I have found my focus shifting away from myself on this topic; I think I can truly understand the reason for anonymous donations. And, since it's not about Me, I don't feel guilt. What I find myself feeling is anticipation for the time I will be ready to add to the Hope in the world.
And, though I hope to never be a person who gives to one charity and thus "cannot" give even $10 to another, I'm looking for the charity (or charities) I want to be part of. In our last Minnesota Monthly magazine, we go the Twin Cities Charity Guide for 07-08. I looked through it and clearly felt myself drawn to some specific charity groups.
Maybe with this new view on giving, I'll be ready to put it into practice by the time I get to "Generous."
My motivation for giving to charity (or for at least wanting to give to charity) was one or a combination of three things. Usually, because it's the tactic the marketers use, it was guilt for being an advantaged American. There was also an element of wanting to look good -- like a "good Christian" to everyone I know. The "best" motivation was to feel better about myself; to know that I was putting something good into the world.
But now, as a result of these weeks of thought, I have a new motivation, even though I don't actually plan to do anything about it quite yet. My new reason for wanting to donate is to put more Hope into the world. I think that hearing about needs in the world will not make me feel guilty for not helping, but it will cause me to wish for Hope. I have found my focus shifting away from myself on this topic; I think I can truly understand the reason for anonymous donations. And, since it's not about Me, I don't feel guilt. What I find myself feeling is anticipation for the time I will be ready to add to the Hope in the world.
And, though I hope to never be a person who gives to one charity and thus "cannot" give even $10 to another, I'm looking for the charity (or charities) I want to be part of. In our last Minnesota Monthly magazine, we go the Twin Cities Charity Guide for 07-08. I looked through it and clearly felt myself drawn to some specific charity groups.
Maybe with this new view on giving, I'll be ready to put it into practice by the time I get to "Generous."
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Hope: day 13
Okay, here's the follow-up on that last post: If I want to instill Hope in my daughter, and I want that Hope to be bigger than just her own personal hope for the future, then I need to focus on a broader vision of Hope for the World. There are infinite ways to do this, and I don't want to downplay any of them. Clearly, the Lupus Foundation wants junk, and I will gladly clean out my closets for them. Soon, I'll be looking for a great place to donate used toys. But, for anyone who has ever been given a box of hand-me-downs, you'll understand how exciting it is to find something with the tags still attached. For some reason, it's like an additional gift in a box of already free stuff. And so I've been thinking about those NEW things. I think that the next time I donate clothes, I'm going to go out and buy something new, just to throw in. I hate shopping, but I hate it because I don't like trying on clothes and staying within a budget. But if I just gave myself $20 to buy something fun -- something that I may never wear myself, I might just enjoy that.
And what a great lesson for my kid! Do you remember begging for toys as a kid? Half the fun of getting a new toy was picking it out. Usually, it ended up in the corner within a week because it wasn't that great to play with. So, I think that along with just saying "No" when she begs for toys, I'd like to also mix in some Hope on a few shopping trips. "Mommy, can I have a new doll?" can be answered with, "No, you don't need another doll. But if you'd like to pick one out, we can take it to the Children's Hospital this weekend." That may sound like a lot of work, and it may turn out to be too much for me, but it's something I'd like to attempt.
As far as a habit to start, what I'd like to do is this: Every time I go shopping, I'd like to buy something to donate. Ideally, I would look at my full cart and either choose one thing to give, or one thing to put back to get something else to donate. But I know what would happen is that I'd buy everything I would have anyway, plus something else. I realize that's part of the idea behind charitable donations -- beyond your normal expenses, but I'm not sure I could afford it on every shopping trip. Plus, there would be an additional problem once I got home. Then, I'd just have to start a pile or a closet to fill with new things to donate. And that would really just frustrate me, and I'd quit the whole thing.
Am I just making excuses? This is an experiment, after all. Maybe for the rest of this month, I'll try this. Then, I'll evaluate the financial and organizational situations.
And what a great lesson for my kid! Do you remember begging for toys as a kid? Half the fun of getting a new toy was picking it out. Usually, it ended up in the corner within a week because it wasn't that great to play with. So, I think that along with just saying "No" when she begs for toys, I'd like to also mix in some Hope on a few shopping trips. "Mommy, can I have a new doll?" can be answered with, "No, you don't need another doll. But if you'd like to pick one out, we can take it to the Children's Hospital this weekend." That may sound like a lot of work, and it may turn out to be too much for me, but it's something I'd like to attempt.
As far as a habit to start, what I'd like to do is this: Every time I go shopping, I'd like to buy something to donate. Ideally, I would look at my full cart and either choose one thing to give, or one thing to put back to get something else to donate. But I know what would happen is that I'd buy everything I would have anyway, plus something else. I realize that's part of the idea behind charitable donations -- beyond your normal expenses, but I'm not sure I could afford it on every shopping trip. Plus, there would be an additional problem once I got home. Then, I'd just have to start a pile or a closet to fill with new things to donate. And that would really just frustrate me, and I'd quit the whole thing.
Am I just making excuses? This is an experiment, after all. Maybe for the rest of this month, I'll try this. Then, I'll evaluate the financial and organizational situations.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Hope: day 9
So, apparently, I've been thinking about all of this a lot. In fact, I'm not sure my posts can keep up with my thoughts, since I often have more important things to do (like, you know, being a mommy). So I'm sorry if this ends up being another long, rambling post, or if it's incomplete and I don't end up finishing it for weeks.
Anyway, the conclusion I think I came to at the end of my last post was that I'd like to find and teach Hope in the context of horrible things happening in the world. And I think the best way to do that is to be part of a cause. It doesn't have to be a huge, global cause like Bono's, but I think it's easier to be part of a cause than to attempt to fix the world's ills all alone.
And so, now I'd just like to tell you some things I've heard and thought recently about giving to bigger causes (incidentally, I'm talking about giving money and other tangibles; not time -- which is an equally valuable thing, but just not my current point).
Several weeks ago, the morning show on the radio station I always listen to was talking about the story of a death row inmate whose last meal request was to give a pizza to a homeless man. The judge denied the request, and Ian Punett was discussing why. During the discussion, he suggested that listeners call a pizza place and pay for a pizza for a homeless shelter. He then organized things so that listeners could call a Papa John's in Nashville and order pizzas to be sent to a local homeless shelter. The next day, Ian talked to the owner of the Papa John's who said the shelter had more than enough pizzas and now actually has a credit with Papa John's to use in the future. Just a couple weeks ago, he organized the same thing for a local teen shelter. They had enough pizzas for each kid who came through the door to get their own, plus enough for the volunteers.
So long ago that I can't even remember when (maybe a year), another show on the same station was interviewing someone who heads up a non-profit organization that helps unemployed women prepare for job interviews and careers. The woman being interviewed was talking about the need for financial gifts for several different things, but one of the interviewers wanted to know if they had a need for "slightly used" business suits and shoes. The woman said "maybe" but the interviewer persisted. It sounded very clearly to me like she wanted a quick way to empty her closet while making herself feel like she was helping the world. It bothered me.
Now, my husband and I just gave a LARGE donation of junk to the Lupus Foundation. Basically, we cleaned the basement and our clothes closet and let someone else sort through it. But we were not under any delusion that our donation was going to be very meaningful to anyone. We didn't even do it for the tax write-off, we just wanted to get rid of junk.
Along the same lines: A few months ago, I started making a quilt for a friend's wedding. When I was almost done with the top, I realized it was the ugliest quilt ever created. Okay, not ugly, just scrappy. And I knew my friend wouldn't like it. I don't like it. So after a day of being mad at myself and feeling guilty for wasting so much time, I realized that there are programs out there for donating homemade quilts to people (mostly kids) around the world. I got really excited and realized that this could be "my thing." Not only would I be making blankets for kids who will really appreciate them, I would also be able to enjoy a hobby and practice new patterns and techniques. But somehow, that feels very much like emptying a closet. Sure, I'm giving to a cause, but I'm not sacrificing anything. In fact, the donation actually helps me -- possibly even more than it helps the people I'm helping. Where's the Hope in that?
Just to clarify: I do plan to make and donate quilts. I also plan to donate more junk to Lupus and Goodwill. But I don't want to feel that those things are "enough." I don't want to feel guilty for not doing more; I just want to Want to do more. I want to put even more Hope into the world than these simple and easy things. Even if all I do is to make the effort to order a pizza for a homeless shelter.
Anyway, the conclusion I think I came to at the end of my last post was that I'd like to find and teach Hope in the context of horrible things happening in the world. And I think the best way to do that is to be part of a cause. It doesn't have to be a huge, global cause like Bono's, but I think it's easier to be part of a cause than to attempt to fix the world's ills all alone.
And so, now I'd just like to tell you some things I've heard and thought recently about giving to bigger causes (incidentally, I'm talking about giving money and other tangibles; not time -- which is an equally valuable thing, but just not my current point).
Several weeks ago, the morning show on the radio station I always listen to was talking about the story of a death row inmate whose last meal request was to give a pizza to a homeless man. The judge denied the request, and Ian Punett was discussing why. During the discussion, he suggested that listeners call a pizza place and pay for a pizza for a homeless shelter. He then organized things so that listeners could call a Papa John's in Nashville and order pizzas to be sent to a local homeless shelter. The next day, Ian talked to the owner of the Papa John's who said the shelter had more than enough pizzas and now actually has a credit with Papa John's to use in the future. Just a couple weeks ago, he organized the same thing for a local teen shelter. They had enough pizzas for each kid who came through the door to get their own, plus enough for the volunteers.
So long ago that I can't even remember when (maybe a year), another show on the same station was interviewing someone who heads up a non-profit organization that helps unemployed women prepare for job interviews and careers. The woman being interviewed was talking about the need for financial gifts for several different things, but one of the interviewers wanted to know if they had a need for "slightly used" business suits and shoes. The woman said "maybe" but the interviewer persisted. It sounded very clearly to me like she wanted a quick way to empty her closet while making herself feel like she was helping the world. It bothered me.
Now, my husband and I just gave a LARGE donation of junk to the Lupus Foundation. Basically, we cleaned the basement and our clothes closet and let someone else sort through it. But we were not under any delusion that our donation was going to be very meaningful to anyone. We didn't even do it for the tax write-off, we just wanted to get rid of junk.
Along the same lines: A few months ago, I started making a quilt for a friend's wedding. When I was almost done with the top, I realized it was the ugliest quilt ever created. Okay, not ugly, just scrappy. And I knew my friend wouldn't like it. I don't like it. So after a day of being mad at myself and feeling guilty for wasting so much time, I realized that there are programs out there for donating homemade quilts to people (mostly kids) around the world. I got really excited and realized that this could be "my thing." Not only would I be making blankets for kids who will really appreciate them, I would also be able to enjoy a hobby and practice new patterns and techniques. But somehow, that feels very much like emptying a closet. Sure, I'm giving to a cause, but I'm not sacrificing anything. In fact, the donation actually helps me -- possibly even more than it helps the people I'm helping. Where's the Hope in that?
Just to clarify: I do plan to make and donate quilts. I also plan to donate more junk to Lupus and Goodwill. But I don't want to feel that those things are "enough." I don't want to feel guilty for not doing more; I just want to Want to do more. I want to put even more Hope into the world than these simple and easy things. Even if all I do is to make the effort to order a pizza for a homeless shelter.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Hope: day 8
As I've been pondering the idea of Hope, and the two ways I mentioned of looking at it, I have found that I decidedly prefer one to the other. The concept of Hope for the future is a really good thing. People who don't have it are not Hopeful people. But, in my case, hope for the future could actually get me into trouble. See, I've got a career goal that has almost become an obsession at times. I have very recently come to the point where I might be okay with it if that never happens. That hope has been very easily replaced by hope for my daughter's future. That is also a good thing, and I sincerely hope that all parents have hope for their kids. But take that too far, and I'll be living vicariously. We've all seen enough bad TV to know that, not only does that mean therapy for the kid, but it never makes for pretty parents.
And so I've found myself exploring the idea of Hope within the tragedy of the world. Although Hope for the Future is easier and more personal, Hope for the World is more Present. Living in the Present Moment is another Buddhist concept and is closely tied to Mindfulness. While Hope for the Future is good and necessary in order to set goals and make plans and not make stupid decisions, Hope for the World means I need to know what's going on in the world NOW.
I have never known what's going on in the world. Even when watching the news was required for social studies classes, I was never really interested. I now find that it has less to do with the actual news and more to do with the crap of media presentation (that is not a political statement!). I find I'm very interested when it comes to the personal stories of normal people.
For example, a radio station I listen to often carries a national show called the Satellite Sisters. One of these women recently went to a conference in Africa. I'm at work when this show is on, and so everything I hear, I only hear half. But I was fascinated by Liz's experiences and the things she heard and saw (besides Bono, who was also at the conference, and had a cheese omelet for breakfast). I strongly admire people who have strong ties to a particular cause, especially one as vast as the many crises in Africa.
A small note about Africa: I grew up Baptist, to very mission-minded parents (I even went on a mission trip to Europe -- that's light on the "mission" and heavy on the "trip to Europe"). In my world, missionaries came to our church to tell us about Africa -- jungles full of pagan tribes with horrible rituals and no English. To go to Africa meant learning how to learn a brand new language so as to translate the Bible into it, while also teaching English and Western culture. It meant traveling for days, away from all semblance of technology and culture. And mostly, what I learned on Mission Night at church is that showing too much interest in Africa will increase your chances of God "calling" you to live there forever, in the jungle.
My point here is that, in the midst of genocide and AIDS, there are some glimmers of Hope in Africa. They are small, but they are not insignificant. I want to be part of that hope. I want to hear about the horrendous events and circumstances, so that I can recognize Hope when I see it in such despair. And the part I now need to figure out is how to do that. Can I actually handle reading pages and pages of African horror online; and, more importantly, will it be accurate? And when it touches me so much that I want to give Hope to these people, will I know what to do? Will I want to sell my car to provide medication to people? How will my husband deal with that? Something I didn't count on with this month's topic is how to balance Hope with Reality. That's clearer in the Hope for the Future view; more complex with Hope for the World. Well, I've still got 22 days to think about that.
And so I've found myself exploring the idea of Hope within the tragedy of the world. Although Hope for the Future is easier and more personal, Hope for the World is more Present. Living in the Present Moment is another Buddhist concept and is closely tied to Mindfulness. While Hope for the Future is good and necessary in order to set goals and make plans and not make stupid decisions, Hope for the World means I need to know what's going on in the world NOW.
I have never known what's going on in the world. Even when watching the news was required for social studies classes, I was never really interested. I now find that it has less to do with the actual news and more to do with the crap of media presentation (that is not a political statement!). I find I'm very interested when it comes to the personal stories of normal people.
For example, a radio station I listen to often carries a national show called the Satellite Sisters. One of these women recently went to a conference in Africa. I'm at work when this show is on, and so everything I hear, I only hear half. But I was fascinated by Liz's experiences and the things she heard and saw (besides Bono, who was also at the conference, and had a cheese omelet for breakfast). I strongly admire people who have strong ties to a particular cause, especially one as vast as the many crises in Africa.
A small note about Africa: I grew up Baptist, to very mission-minded parents (I even went on a mission trip to Europe -- that's light on the "mission" and heavy on the "trip to Europe"). In my world, missionaries came to our church to tell us about Africa -- jungles full of pagan tribes with horrible rituals and no English. To go to Africa meant learning how to learn a brand new language so as to translate the Bible into it, while also teaching English and Western culture. It meant traveling for days, away from all semblance of technology and culture. And mostly, what I learned on Mission Night at church is that showing too much interest in Africa will increase your chances of God "calling" you to live there forever, in the jungle.
My point here is that, in the midst of genocide and AIDS, there are some glimmers of Hope in Africa. They are small, but they are not insignificant. I want to be part of that hope. I want to hear about the horrendous events and circumstances, so that I can recognize Hope when I see it in such despair. And the part I now need to figure out is how to do that. Can I actually handle reading pages and pages of African horror online; and, more importantly, will it be accurate? And when it touches me so much that I want to give Hope to these people, will I know what to do? Will I want to sell my car to provide medication to people? How will my husband deal with that? Something I didn't count on with this month's topic is how to balance Hope with Reality. That's clearer in the Hope for the Future view; more complex with Hope for the World. Well, I've still got 22 days to think about that.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Hope: day 1
I have no idea what to do with this one. I'm not even sure what I was thinking about when I added it to the list. Maybe I was thinking of hope as opposed to despair. As dire as that sounds, it isn't actually hard to find despair if you watch the news and really think about the lives of the people of the world. Since I want my baby to be well-rounded and to be interested in current events and the issues of the world, I want her to be able to watch the news and hear about tragedy and find Hope.
Maybe I was thinking about Hope for her future. Whatever her goals and dreams, and whatever circumstances may stand in her way, I want her to always be hopeful about reaching her goals and attaining her dreams.
I think both perspectives are good, and I may have had both in mind. But that still doesn't help me figure out what to do about it this month. Maybe I'll think it over for a few days; that worked last time.
Maybe I was thinking about Hope for her future. Whatever her goals and dreams, and whatever circumstances may stand in her way, I want her to always be hopeful about reaching her goals and attaining her dreams.
I think both perspectives are good, and I may have had both in mind. But that still doesn't help me figure out what to do about it this month. Maybe I'll think it over for a few days; that worked last time.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Happy: day 30
Well, I really like the Happy Moment thing. I told my husband about it when I started. I said that, in a few years, when our daughter is old enough to look back on her day and talk about it, I'd like to incorporate this into our bedtime routine; sharing the day's Happy Moment (maybe we'll find a cooler name for it). He liked the idea and said we should make it a family tradition.
Okay, beyond "I liked it," here is what I've found through this exercise: Some days, I find myself wondering if a particular thing I'm doing will be my happy moment for the day. When I do that, I think I'm touching the edges of mindfulness. I slow down and try to enjoy the thing even more. Sometimes, though, that doesn't work, and even when I try to think about what I'm doing, I can't help thinking about the next thing I have to do. I catch myself wondering when the laundry will be done or how long it will take for the baby to fall asleep. And then, there are days that I don't even think about Happiness at all. But, no matter which kind of day it was, I have always been able to pinpoint a Happy Moment by the end.
I've been journaling for my daughter for over a year, since we found out we'd be having a baby. For the past 10 days, I've been recording my Happy Moments in her journal. I will continue to do that, even after the Happy month is ended. But, for you, here are my happy moments of the last 10 days:
Day 21: you already know -- attention for my baby's cuteness in the Starbucks.
Day 22: taking my baby outside to explore the feel of trees and leaves and bushes and grass.
Day 23: getting a long nap after several restless nights (she's got a cold).
Day 24: my baby, sitting on my lap, thoroughly enthralled with playing with my fingers.
Day 25: signing up for a knitting class and buying yarn for it at All About Yarn.
Day 26: buying more yarn at Joann's for a baby sweater (I bought a pattern book at All About Yarn.).
Day 27: After dinner was all cleaned up, I had the baby sitting with me on the floor while I started knitting her sweater. Her daddy had iTunes playing and was reading a book.
Day 28:Getting out of the house and going to Panera Bread for dinner and Borders to buy some books. We were really proud of ourselves for taking the baby out for a few hours, until we got home and I realized that I'd totally forgotten about feeding her rice cereal. Oops!
Day 29: I remembered the cereal! She was so cute and smart! I gave her an empty bowl to play with and she moved it from hand to hand, banged it on the highchair tray, dangled it over the side, and even figured out how to flip it over when it ended up upside down.
Day 30: Another nap on the couch with my baby!
Thus concludes my exercise in Happiness. Overall, I think it was a success, even though I still don't think people would look at me and say, "She's a happy person" yet. Yet.
Okay, beyond "I liked it," here is what I've found through this exercise: Some days, I find myself wondering if a particular thing I'm doing will be my happy moment for the day. When I do that, I think I'm touching the edges of mindfulness. I slow down and try to enjoy the thing even more. Sometimes, though, that doesn't work, and even when I try to think about what I'm doing, I can't help thinking about the next thing I have to do. I catch myself wondering when the laundry will be done or how long it will take for the baby to fall asleep. And then, there are days that I don't even think about Happiness at all. But, no matter which kind of day it was, I have always been able to pinpoint a Happy Moment by the end.
I've been journaling for my daughter for over a year, since we found out we'd be having a baby. For the past 10 days, I've been recording my Happy Moments in her journal. I will continue to do that, even after the Happy month is ended. But, for you, here are my happy moments of the last 10 days:
Day 21: you already know -- attention for my baby's cuteness in the Starbucks.
Day 22: taking my baby outside to explore the feel of trees and leaves and bushes and grass.
Day 23: getting a long nap after several restless nights (she's got a cold).
Day 24: my baby, sitting on my lap, thoroughly enthralled with playing with my fingers.
Day 25: signing up for a knitting class and buying yarn for it at All About Yarn.
Day 26: buying more yarn at Joann's for a baby sweater (I bought a pattern book at All About Yarn.).
Day 27: After dinner was all cleaned up, I had the baby sitting with me on the floor while I started knitting her sweater. Her daddy had iTunes playing and was reading a book.
Day 28:Getting out of the house and going to Panera Bread for dinner and Borders to buy some books. We were really proud of ourselves for taking the baby out for a few hours, until we got home and I realized that I'd totally forgotten about feeding her rice cereal. Oops!
Day 29: I remembered the cereal! She was so cute and smart! I gave her an empty bowl to play with and she moved it from hand to hand, banged it on the highchair tray, dangled it over the side, and even figured out how to flip it over when it ended up upside down.
Day 30: Another nap on the couch with my baby!
Thus concludes my exercise in Happiness. Overall, I think it was a success, even though I still don't think people would look at me and say, "She's a happy person" yet. Yet.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Happy: day 21
I had a brain wave on this topic tonight. See, while there is apparently research to show that using muscles to lift the corners of your mouth actually makes you feel happier, giving myself a wry smile every morning has not been doing much for me.
Tonight, the hubby had a friend over. We all went out for dinner (with the baby), then to Starbucks, and on the way home, stopped to rent a video game they spent the next 2 1/2 hours playing. It just made me think about how sad it is that I don't really have friends to invite for an evening of nothing. I sort of envied the fun; the happiness my hubby was enjoying.
So I decided that I should start a habit of doing something every day that makes me happy. It could be big, like buying a pair of shoes; or something really simple, like closing my eyes and focusing all energy on listening to a 5-star song on my iPod. But then, I realized that I must already be doing some simple things that could make me happy, if only I were aware of them.
Like tonight, after a little while in Starbucks, Hubby & Friend decided to go to EA Games to buy a video game (their disappointment there led to the Blockbuster run). While they were gone, my daughter and I were getting some subtle attention in the Starbucks, and my baby was being pretty damn cute. But I missed the happiness of the moment because I was trying to get her to eat, and when she refused to finish her bottle, I thought she'd fall asleep, but she kept fighting that too. I was okay giving up on that, but even then, it never occurred to me to wonder if I was happy in that moment.
So now, rather than making a habit of manufacturing moments of happiness, I would like to just write down one event or moment in each day that made me happy -- or would have if I'd been paying attention. And my goal for this habit is to start enjoying the moments of happiness as they happen instead of just in retrospect at the end of the day.
Hubby has been studying Buddhism for a while, and one of the keys he has found there is Mindfulness. While Happiness and Mindfulness are not the same thing, I think that happiness is easier to find when you are being mindful. So I guess that's what I'm working toward, without the background of Buddhism (which I wouldn't mind knowing).
Tonight, the hubby had a friend over. We all went out for dinner (with the baby), then to Starbucks, and on the way home, stopped to rent a video game they spent the next 2 1/2 hours playing. It just made me think about how sad it is that I don't really have friends to invite for an evening of nothing. I sort of envied the fun; the happiness my hubby was enjoying.
So I decided that I should start a habit of doing something every day that makes me happy. It could be big, like buying a pair of shoes; or something really simple, like closing my eyes and focusing all energy on listening to a 5-star song on my iPod. But then, I realized that I must already be doing some simple things that could make me happy, if only I were aware of them.
Like tonight, after a little while in Starbucks, Hubby & Friend decided to go to EA Games to buy a video game (their disappointment there led to the Blockbuster run). While they were gone, my daughter and I were getting some subtle attention in the Starbucks, and my baby was being pretty damn cute. But I missed the happiness of the moment because I was trying to get her to eat, and when she refused to finish her bottle, I thought she'd fall asleep, but she kept fighting that too. I was okay giving up on that, but even then, it never occurred to me to wonder if I was happy in that moment.
So now, rather than making a habit of manufacturing moments of happiness, I would like to just write down one event or moment in each day that made me happy -- or would have if I'd been paying attention. And my goal for this habit is to start enjoying the moments of happiness as they happen instead of just in retrospect at the end of the day.
Hubby has been studying Buddhism for a while, and one of the keys he has found there is Mindfulness. While Happiness and Mindfulness are not the same thing, I think that happiness is easier to find when you are being mindful. So I guess that's what I'm working toward, without the background of Buddhism (which I wouldn't mind knowing).
Monday, May 21, 2007
Happy: day 11
At the end of a decidedly unhappy day at my house (the hubby has been so stressed with a discovery at work that has had everyone scrambling for 2 weeks that he was sick all weekend, and today a new discovery was made that the word “layoff” a much more real, but still possibly distant concept; the baby has been sick for 4 days, although I thought she was getting better yesterday, but she apparently was “throwing up all day” but the day care failed to get a hold of us), I find myself asking the basic question of the definition of Happiness.
I know that Dictionary.com is not going to solve my happiness dilemma any more than smiling in the mirror every morning will. But, like the smiling, it’s a place to start. So here it is:
hap·pi·nessɪ–noun
1. the quality or state of being happy
2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy
—Synonyms 1, 2. pleasure, joy, exhilaration, bliss, contentedness, delight, enjoyment, satisfaction. Happiness, bliss, contentment, felicity imply an active or passive state of pleasure or pleasurable satisfaction. Happiness results from the possession or attainment of what one considers good: the happiness of visiting one's family. Bliss is unalloyed happiness or supreme delight: the bliss of perfect companionship. Contentment is a peaceful kind of happiness in which one rests without desires, even though every wish may not have been gratified: contentment in one's surroundings. Felicity is a formal word for happiness of an especially fortunate or intense kind: to wish a young couple felicity in life.
—Antonyms 1. misery.
Without offering a dull commentary on the whole thing, I’d like to mention a few of the points above. First, I think that I am rarely in a “state of being happy.” I’ve never thought of it as “the possession or attainment of what one considers good,” mostly because I think that would take me on a tangent of what exactly it means for something to be “good.” Maybe I’ll think about that over the next few days. Second, I think I’ve excused my lack of happiness by using the word “content.” However, I’m not sure that I have ever “rested without desires, even though every wish may not have been gratified.” Maybe for a few moments on an especially beautiful day, when “things” were going particularly well and I could set aside the fact that I didn’t have everything I wanted. But I have a hard time even imagining living life in a state of constant contentment.
And if I can’t do that, how do I expect to attain happiness within one month? This is the point at which I seriously contemplate giving up on this whole experiment. But then, isn’t this kind of the point? What kind of exercise would this be if it were easy? I guess it would really say something about me if everything was going great and I still couldn’t be happy. But if I can pull off Happy with stress and illness and some major lack of sleep going on, I guess then, my month would prove something.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Happy: day 6
While thinking about being happy, I had to think about why I’m not someone that people would refer to as “a happy person.” I thought of 2 reasons:
- I have known some specific people who have been “happy,” and they have greatly annoyed me. The reason they annoyed me wasn’t because of their happiness, it was because of their constant smiles. When you’re having a bad day, the last thing you want to see is other people looking like they’re on top of the world. And I understand that those people have bad days too, and they have just learned to smile through it. But it sometimes seems that people who are constantly smiling have no idea how to react when someone brings up a serious topic. One particular person I recall from college had a terribly awkward look on her face when she realized that the conversation she was listening to had turned to a very serious and depressing topic. First, her smile drooped, but didn’t disappear, then she looked around to see if anyone noticed that she was still smiling, then she put her head down to properly arrange her face and to appear solemn. Basically, by the time she had arranged the right expression, she looked like an idiot.
- I come from a line of stoic Germans, on both sides of my family. While my parents and even grandparents have a good (but still conservative) sense of humor, I don’t think it goes further back than that. I come from family who was dirt poor in
As far as the first point, I’m mostly just afraid of looking like an idiot. People who are often smiling appear to not have many thoughts; I pride myself on actually having thoughts. I think the trick there is to consider a current co-worker who I think of as a very happy person. But she is also thoughtful and intelligent, and takes important things seriously when she needs to. She gets stressed out and worried, and I’ve even seen her cry. But she’s almost always ready to have some fun. And no matter what she’s dealing with, she’s at least got an encouraging smile to offer. Whatever that balance is between happy and serious, she’s found it.
And for the second point: a few years ago, my mom’s family was all together. One of my cousins (whom I don’t see often) commented that I was always smiling. I was actually insulted. Maybe that’s just what’s to be expected when you get together with the stoic Germans. I’m going to see that family again in a few weeks; will I be “happy” then and okay with “always smiling?” After 2 weeks of this exercise, I guess we’ll see.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Happy: day 1
I have come up with the habit I would like to form for Happiness. This may sound lame, but I am going to try smiling at myself in the mirror every morning.
I’ve been thinking about this, and have found that my daughter makes me happy, my husband makes me happy. Usually, my friends make me happy. There are even moments where my work makes me happy (I work with kids, and while most of my job involves dealing with staff and parents, I do get some “kid time,” and it’s often hilarious – especially those kindergartners!). But I have realized that I don’t often make myself happy. So that’s my first attempt at happiness, not only will I smile every morning (which I usually do for my daughter anyway), I’m going to smile for myself.
I haven’t told my husband about this yet (he’ll probably laugh at me), so I’m going to try to remember to do it every day without a post-it on the mirror.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Ground Rules
So, I’ve been thinking about some ground rules I should set for myself for this project.
• I don’t think I can commit to an exact number of posts each month, so I’m going to allow myself to be flexible there.
• I thought about making it a rule to not give excuses for why I’m not already doing the things on The List, but then I decided that it may actually help me to take a look at possible reasons. I don’t want this to turn into a big psycho-therapy session, but just listing reasons (without getting into detailed excuses) might just help me put them aside forever.
• I’m a thinker. And it would be really easy for me to make this whole project purely cognitive: learning about the words I use, finding synonyms for them, thinking about how to apply them. But never applying them. So, each month, for each trait I will be exploring, I want to DO something. Sometimes, it can be an action I hope to repeat enough to form a habit. These websites say it takes 21 days of repetition to form a habit. This one claims 30. No matter which one is right, I’m feeling pretty confident that I do it in a month, with the right motivation and discipline. Of course, the success of this will be one of the things I’ll record in the blog.
• I’ve decided that I shouldn’t wait till June 1 to start this project, even though that makes the most sense in my nearly-OCD brain. So the 11th of every month will be day 1 of the new topic. If I keep it going for the whole year, I will finish the day before my 31st birthday.
Well, here I go…
• I don’t think I can commit to an exact number of posts each month, so I’m going to allow myself to be flexible there.
• I thought about making it a rule to not give excuses for why I’m not already doing the things on The List, but then I decided that it may actually help me to take a look at possible reasons. I don’t want this to turn into a big psycho-therapy session, but just listing reasons (without getting into detailed excuses) might just help me put them aside forever.
• I’m a thinker. And it would be really easy for me to make this whole project purely cognitive: learning about the words I use, finding synonyms for them, thinking about how to apply them. But never applying them. So, each month, for each trait I will be exploring, I want to DO something. Sometimes, it can be an action I hope to repeat enough to form a habit. These websites say it takes 21 days of repetition to form a habit. This one claims 30. No matter which one is right, I’m feeling pretty confident that I do it in a month, with the right motivation and discipline. Of course, the success of this will be one of the things I’ll record in the blog.
• I’ve decided that I shouldn’t wait till June 1 to start this project, even though that makes the most sense in my nearly-OCD brain. So the 11th of every month will be day 1 of the new topic. If I keep it going for the whole year, I will finish the day before my 31st birthday.
Well, here I go…
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
the list
As I approach my 30th birthday, and begin to settle into the person I have become; and as my daughter reaches the 4½ month mark, and her personality begins to emerge; I find myself re-evaluating some things. Tonight, I started thinking about my baby as she grows, and personality traits or attributes or whatever you’d call them that I hope she accumulates as she gets older. And as I thought about my list, I discovered that I have very few of these traits myself. And how can I expect her to learn them when I can’t teach them by example? I hope to surround her with other people who have these attributes, but I know she’ll learn most from me – good and not so good.
So I figured I should try to do something about this. I have decided to begin an exercise of self-improvement. My plan (if I stick with it) is to spend one month on each of the things on my list, and to report on my “progress.” This list is by no means extensive, but I’m going to try to not add to it, since as it stands, it will take me a whole year to get through everything. I’ve also started out with some “sub-points” just so I remember to explore them when I get there. Some of them could stand alone, but I knew if my list was any longer I’d get discouraged before I began. These main points are not in order of importance, but in order of how I thought I could handle them. I may be wrong about that, and some I am actually dreading already. But I’m not doing this for me, it’s all for her!
THE LIST:
- Happy
- Hopeful
- Patient
- flexible
- Kind
- friendly
- accepting
- approachable
- Teachable
- Confident
- independent
- Disciplined
- self-controlled
- resourceful
- Passionate
- Gracious
- able to accept compliments
- respectful
- Generous
- Graceful
- Peaceful
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