Confidence: Day 15

I think I've hit a turning point on this topic. The timing is incredible.

See, a few years ago, I had just started a job with kids. It was at a huge school, with lots of kids, and lots of staff. One of the staff, Linda, had my job title but a little different job discription. And she'd been there for years. She knew how everything should work and what wouldn't work at all. She got very good at micro-managing EVERYTHING! Another co-worker and I were always frustrated by that, and could never figure out how to deal with it.

That summer, a staff who had been there a few years before and left to teach, came back to work with us. Linda didn't affect her. At all. And not because Linda didn't try. This other staff (it's driving me crazy that I can't remember her name) just never let it touch her. She laughed at it, and was so far above it that it all seemed so petty to me.

It was refreshing to see that, and yet I somehow couldn't follow her lead.

I'm ready now.


I'm ready to let go of the desire for my parents to understand me. I'm ready to forget all the little infractions they've committed against me. I'm ready to stop trying to explain myself to them.

It saddens me that I couldn't get through to them. I tried. But when it's an unspoken rule that confrontation should be avoided at all costs, there is no time or place to bring these things up. We tried email, my husband tried conversation. But it was always an argument and never a discussion. I have long given up on trying to explain things point-blank. But I was sort of hoping we could get there with little comments or small actions.

Obviously, that's not working. I never should have thought that it would. So now, I'm getting beyond that. Maybe I'm giving up. But maybe that's not a bad thing.


What I'm finding as I contemplate this, is that it's going to take some serious Confidence. I don't think that 17 more days is going to be enough. But it will focus the Independence element of this month. And, Discipline may be the perfect thing to follow this up with.

Confidence: Day 13

It is amazing to me how quickly a visit from parental units will rip apart all semblance of Confidence.

They came to help Hubby finish the basement. My brother came too. Suddenly, we were surrounded by all of the things we left a few years ago (see the other blog on my profile). I am very comfortable with where I am in my life, especially spiritually. Actually, I’m in total limbo, but I’m comfortable there. Seeing my family makes me feel so very inadequate. They make me feel that I’m doing so many things wrong that they can’t even bring it up because there is so much to say. I guess that’s the charm of passive-aggressive behavior.

And it also tells me that I’m too sensitive. What I’d really like, is to so completely NOT CARE what they think or how they feel about me, my husband, or how we’re choosing to raise our child. If I really focus on that over the next few weeks, do you think I can get there by Thanksgiving.

They’re coming back then…

Confidence: Day 7

I really haven’t given up on this blog. I just sort of forget about it sometimes.

Really quickly, here’s what I have to say about Confidence:

I have never been a confident person. I have always felt inadequate in every endeavor I have attempted. That includes jobs, hobbies, friendships, relationships, and pretty much all other realms of life.

I’m sure there is some psychological reason behind this, and a little therapy would do me good. But I would also like to report that I think I’m on an up-swing here.

First, parenting is WONDERFUL! Of course, it is also another realm for me to lack confidence in, and I very often do. But, in general, I believe I’m a pretty good mom. I know there are things I could pay more attention to, and things I could let go of sooner. And I also know that my child’s success in life is not entirely related to my parenting abilities. But just looking at my daughter makes me feel good about our family.

Second, I’m losing weight. I know that Looks cannot be all there is to Confidence, but it helps. I don’t think I’ve ever been the thinnest girl in the room, even when I was little. I wasn’t “overweight” until maybe high school, and even then it was never a health concern. About 5 years ago, I started losing weight and was really excited about it. Then I changed jobs and gained 2 sizes in 3 months. I have finally reached the verge of fitting into my jeans from 5 years ago. And I’m hoping to keep going. It makes me feel good, and is improving my confidence.

So there are my first thoughts on Confidence.

I'm still here!

I really haven't given up on this experiment! I think that spending a month on Kindness was about as effective as the month of Patience, but for different reasons.

See, Patience is something I need to work on and was thoroughly overwhelmed by concentrating on it so much. On the other hand, I don't think that I am in unkind person.

As far as the sub-points; I could be a little friendlier, especially to random strangers. What's interesting is that I did actually try that during the August Kindness month. And what I found is that, even in the heart of Minnesota Nice territory, people look at you weird when you try to be Friendly. This includes restaurant hostesses, Target cashiers, and the nurse at the doctor's office. And "weird looks" can range from surprise to annoyance to indulgence.

Approachable is a difficult thing. I was mostly thinking about work when I added this sub-point. I'm the supervisor of several staff, and I want to be Kind enough that they feel that they can approach me with different issues that they're dealing with. I think that's happening as much as it can. I have taken time to get to know my two lead staff, and I think that has helped with the Kindness thing, although I didn't do it as part of this exercise.

I'm not entirely sure what to say about being Accepting. Maybe this is part of what makes me think I'm already a pretty kind person. Since leaving church (see my other blog under my profile), I've thought a lot about judgment and being Judgmental. And to me, Acceptance is the opposite of Judgment. Maybe there's another opposite that I should contemplate at some point, but I think I have this one covered. But then, maybe I'm only comparing myself to my hubby, who makes judgmental comments all the time, especially in the car. To be fair, he usually does it just to be funny. But I find myself defending all the poor suckers he picks on. Maybe that's not exactly Accepting...

Anyway, that's what I have to say on the month of Kindness.


TEACHABLE

Wow. This one's hard. Again, I may have been thinking a little about work. I think I was also thinking about being an example of this for my daughter, since Teachable children are usually easier to deal with.

I'm just not sure what to say about it. Maybe I'll come up with something in the next 9 days. I'll let you know.