I've made a decision this month. I was not expecting to think about donating to causes and adding charity to my life until the "Generous" month. It is something I want to do, and something I want to teach my child. However, I'm not ready yet. And I'm going to let go of the guilt of that. I'm going to be okay with the fact that leasing a new car and beginning to finish our basement are the selfish reasons that I "can't" give money right now. But I do have a better explanation:
My motivation for giving to charity (or for at least wanting to give to charity) was one or a combination of three things. Usually, because it's the tactic the marketers use, it was guilt for being an advantaged American. There was also an element of wanting to look good -- like a "good Christian" to everyone I know. The "best" motivation was to feel better about myself; to know that I was putting something good into the world.
But now, as a result of these weeks of thought, I have a new motivation, even though I don't actually plan to do anything about it quite yet. My new reason for wanting to donate is to put more Hope into the world. I think that hearing about needs in the world will not make me feel guilty for not helping, but it will cause me to wish for Hope. I have found my focus shifting away from myself on this topic; I think I can truly understand the reason for anonymous donations. And, since it's not about Me, I don't feel guilt. What I find myself feeling is anticipation for the time I will be ready to add to the Hope in the world.
And, though I hope to never be a person who gives to one charity and thus "cannot" give even $10 to another, I'm looking for the charity (or charities) I want to be part of. In our last Minnesota Monthly magazine, we go the Twin Cities Charity Guide for 07-08. I looked through it and clearly felt myself drawn to some specific charity groups.
Maybe with this new view on giving, I'll be ready to put it into practice by the time I get to "Generous."
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Hope: day 13
Okay, here's the follow-up on that last post: If I want to instill Hope in my daughter, and I want that Hope to be bigger than just her own personal hope for the future, then I need to focus on a broader vision of Hope for the World. There are infinite ways to do this, and I don't want to downplay any of them. Clearly, the Lupus Foundation wants junk, and I will gladly clean out my closets for them. Soon, I'll be looking for a great place to donate used toys. But, for anyone who has ever been given a box of hand-me-downs, you'll understand how exciting it is to find something with the tags still attached. For some reason, it's like an additional gift in a box of already free stuff. And so I've been thinking about those NEW things. I think that the next time I donate clothes, I'm going to go out and buy something new, just to throw in. I hate shopping, but I hate it because I don't like trying on clothes and staying within a budget. But if I just gave myself $20 to buy something fun -- something that I may never wear myself, I might just enjoy that.
And what a great lesson for my kid! Do you remember begging for toys as a kid? Half the fun of getting a new toy was picking it out. Usually, it ended up in the corner within a week because it wasn't that great to play with. So, I think that along with just saying "No" when she begs for toys, I'd like to also mix in some Hope on a few shopping trips. "Mommy, can I have a new doll?" can be answered with, "No, you don't need another doll. But if you'd like to pick one out, we can take it to the Children's Hospital this weekend." That may sound like a lot of work, and it may turn out to be too much for me, but it's something I'd like to attempt.
As far as a habit to start, what I'd like to do is this: Every time I go shopping, I'd like to buy something to donate. Ideally, I would look at my full cart and either choose one thing to give, or one thing to put back to get something else to donate. But I know what would happen is that I'd buy everything I would have anyway, plus something else. I realize that's part of the idea behind charitable donations -- beyond your normal expenses, but I'm not sure I could afford it on every shopping trip. Plus, there would be an additional problem once I got home. Then, I'd just have to start a pile or a closet to fill with new things to donate. And that would really just frustrate me, and I'd quit the whole thing.
Am I just making excuses? This is an experiment, after all. Maybe for the rest of this month, I'll try this. Then, I'll evaluate the financial and organizational situations.
And what a great lesson for my kid! Do you remember begging for toys as a kid? Half the fun of getting a new toy was picking it out. Usually, it ended up in the corner within a week because it wasn't that great to play with. So, I think that along with just saying "No" when she begs for toys, I'd like to also mix in some Hope on a few shopping trips. "Mommy, can I have a new doll?" can be answered with, "No, you don't need another doll. But if you'd like to pick one out, we can take it to the Children's Hospital this weekend." That may sound like a lot of work, and it may turn out to be too much for me, but it's something I'd like to attempt.
As far as a habit to start, what I'd like to do is this: Every time I go shopping, I'd like to buy something to donate. Ideally, I would look at my full cart and either choose one thing to give, or one thing to put back to get something else to donate. But I know what would happen is that I'd buy everything I would have anyway, plus something else. I realize that's part of the idea behind charitable donations -- beyond your normal expenses, but I'm not sure I could afford it on every shopping trip. Plus, there would be an additional problem once I got home. Then, I'd just have to start a pile or a closet to fill with new things to donate. And that would really just frustrate me, and I'd quit the whole thing.
Am I just making excuses? This is an experiment, after all. Maybe for the rest of this month, I'll try this. Then, I'll evaluate the financial and organizational situations.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Hope: day 9
So, apparently, I've been thinking about all of this a lot. In fact, I'm not sure my posts can keep up with my thoughts, since I often have more important things to do (like, you know, being a mommy). So I'm sorry if this ends up being another long, rambling post, or if it's incomplete and I don't end up finishing it for weeks.
Anyway, the conclusion I think I came to at the end of my last post was that I'd like to find and teach Hope in the context of horrible things happening in the world. And I think the best way to do that is to be part of a cause. It doesn't have to be a huge, global cause like Bono's, but I think it's easier to be part of a cause than to attempt to fix the world's ills all alone.
And so, now I'd just like to tell you some things I've heard and thought recently about giving to bigger causes (incidentally, I'm talking about giving money and other tangibles; not time -- which is an equally valuable thing, but just not my current point).
Several weeks ago, the morning show on the radio station I always listen to was talking about the story of a death row inmate whose last meal request was to give a pizza to a homeless man. The judge denied the request, and Ian Punett was discussing why. During the discussion, he suggested that listeners call a pizza place and pay for a pizza for a homeless shelter. He then organized things so that listeners could call a Papa John's in Nashville and order pizzas to be sent to a local homeless shelter. The next day, Ian talked to the owner of the Papa John's who said the shelter had more than enough pizzas and now actually has a credit with Papa John's to use in the future. Just a couple weeks ago, he organized the same thing for a local teen shelter. They had enough pizzas for each kid who came through the door to get their own, plus enough for the volunteers.
So long ago that I can't even remember when (maybe a year), another show on the same station was interviewing someone who heads up a non-profit organization that helps unemployed women prepare for job interviews and careers. The woman being interviewed was talking about the need for financial gifts for several different things, but one of the interviewers wanted to know if they had a need for "slightly used" business suits and shoes. The woman said "maybe" but the interviewer persisted. It sounded very clearly to me like she wanted a quick way to empty her closet while making herself feel like she was helping the world. It bothered me.
Now, my husband and I just gave a LARGE donation of junk to the Lupus Foundation. Basically, we cleaned the basement and our clothes closet and let someone else sort through it. But we were not under any delusion that our donation was going to be very meaningful to anyone. We didn't even do it for the tax write-off, we just wanted to get rid of junk.
Along the same lines: A few months ago, I started making a quilt for a friend's wedding. When I was almost done with the top, I realized it was the ugliest quilt ever created. Okay, not ugly, just scrappy. And I knew my friend wouldn't like it. I don't like it. So after a day of being mad at myself and feeling guilty for wasting so much time, I realized that there are programs out there for donating homemade quilts to people (mostly kids) around the world. I got really excited and realized that this could be "my thing." Not only would I be making blankets for kids who will really appreciate them, I would also be able to enjoy a hobby and practice new patterns and techniques. But somehow, that feels very much like emptying a closet. Sure, I'm giving to a cause, but I'm not sacrificing anything. In fact, the donation actually helps me -- possibly even more than it helps the people I'm helping. Where's the Hope in that?
Just to clarify: I do plan to make and donate quilts. I also plan to donate more junk to Lupus and Goodwill. But I don't want to feel that those things are "enough." I don't want to feel guilty for not doing more; I just want to Want to do more. I want to put even more Hope into the world than these simple and easy things. Even if all I do is to make the effort to order a pizza for a homeless shelter.
Anyway, the conclusion I think I came to at the end of my last post was that I'd like to find and teach Hope in the context of horrible things happening in the world. And I think the best way to do that is to be part of a cause. It doesn't have to be a huge, global cause like Bono's, but I think it's easier to be part of a cause than to attempt to fix the world's ills all alone.
And so, now I'd just like to tell you some things I've heard and thought recently about giving to bigger causes (incidentally, I'm talking about giving money and other tangibles; not time -- which is an equally valuable thing, but just not my current point).
Several weeks ago, the morning show on the radio station I always listen to was talking about the story of a death row inmate whose last meal request was to give a pizza to a homeless man. The judge denied the request, and Ian Punett was discussing why. During the discussion, he suggested that listeners call a pizza place and pay for a pizza for a homeless shelter. He then organized things so that listeners could call a Papa John's in Nashville and order pizzas to be sent to a local homeless shelter. The next day, Ian talked to the owner of the Papa John's who said the shelter had more than enough pizzas and now actually has a credit with Papa John's to use in the future. Just a couple weeks ago, he organized the same thing for a local teen shelter. They had enough pizzas for each kid who came through the door to get their own, plus enough for the volunteers.
So long ago that I can't even remember when (maybe a year), another show on the same station was interviewing someone who heads up a non-profit organization that helps unemployed women prepare for job interviews and careers. The woman being interviewed was talking about the need for financial gifts for several different things, but one of the interviewers wanted to know if they had a need for "slightly used" business suits and shoes. The woman said "maybe" but the interviewer persisted. It sounded very clearly to me like she wanted a quick way to empty her closet while making herself feel like she was helping the world. It bothered me.
Now, my husband and I just gave a LARGE donation of junk to the Lupus Foundation. Basically, we cleaned the basement and our clothes closet and let someone else sort through it. But we were not under any delusion that our donation was going to be very meaningful to anyone. We didn't even do it for the tax write-off, we just wanted to get rid of junk.
Along the same lines: A few months ago, I started making a quilt for a friend's wedding. When I was almost done with the top, I realized it was the ugliest quilt ever created. Okay, not ugly, just scrappy. And I knew my friend wouldn't like it. I don't like it. So after a day of being mad at myself and feeling guilty for wasting so much time, I realized that there are programs out there for donating homemade quilts to people (mostly kids) around the world. I got really excited and realized that this could be "my thing." Not only would I be making blankets for kids who will really appreciate them, I would also be able to enjoy a hobby and practice new patterns and techniques. But somehow, that feels very much like emptying a closet. Sure, I'm giving to a cause, but I'm not sacrificing anything. In fact, the donation actually helps me -- possibly even more than it helps the people I'm helping. Where's the Hope in that?
Just to clarify: I do plan to make and donate quilts. I also plan to donate more junk to Lupus and Goodwill. But I don't want to feel that those things are "enough." I don't want to feel guilty for not doing more; I just want to Want to do more. I want to put even more Hope into the world than these simple and easy things. Even if all I do is to make the effort to order a pizza for a homeless shelter.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Hope: day 8
As I've been pondering the idea of Hope, and the two ways I mentioned of looking at it, I have found that I decidedly prefer one to the other. The concept of Hope for the future is a really good thing. People who don't have it are not Hopeful people. But, in my case, hope for the future could actually get me into trouble. See, I've got a career goal that has almost become an obsession at times. I have very recently come to the point where I might be okay with it if that never happens. That hope has been very easily replaced by hope for my daughter's future. That is also a good thing, and I sincerely hope that all parents have hope for their kids. But take that too far, and I'll be living vicariously. We've all seen enough bad TV to know that, not only does that mean therapy for the kid, but it never makes for pretty parents.
And so I've found myself exploring the idea of Hope within the tragedy of the world. Although Hope for the Future is easier and more personal, Hope for the World is more Present. Living in the Present Moment is another Buddhist concept and is closely tied to Mindfulness. While Hope for the Future is good and necessary in order to set goals and make plans and not make stupid decisions, Hope for the World means I need to know what's going on in the world NOW.
I have never known what's going on in the world. Even when watching the news was required for social studies classes, I was never really interested. I now find that it has less to do with the actual news and more to do with the crap of media presentation (that is not a political statement!). I find I'm very interested when it comes to the personal stories of normal people.
For example, a radio station I listen to often carries a national show called the Satellite Sisters. One of these women recently went to a conference in Africa. I'm at work when this show is on, and so everything I hear, I only hear half. But I was fascinated by Liz's experiences and the things she heard and saw (besides Bono, who was also at the conference, and had a cheese omelet for breakfast). I strongly admire people who have strong ties to a particular cause, especially one as vast as the many crises in Africa.
A small note about Africa: I grew up Baptist, to very mission-minded parents (I even went on a mission trip to Europe -- that's light on the "mission" and heavy on the "trip to Europe"). In my world, missionaries came to our church to tell us about Africa -- jungles full of pagan tribes with horrible rituals and no English. To go to Africa meant learning how to learn a brand new language so as to translate the Bible into it, while also teaching English and Western culture. It meant traveling for days, away from all semblance of technology and culture. And mostly, what I learned on Mission Night at church is that showing too much interest in Africa will increase your chances of God "calling" you to live there forever, in the jungle.
My point here is that, in the midst of genocide and AIDS, there are some glimmers of Hope in Africa. They are small, but they are not insignificant. I want to be part of that hope. I want to hear about the horrendous events and circumstances, so that I can recognize Hope when I see it in such despair. And the part I now need to figure out is how to do that. Can I actually handle reading pages and pages of African horror online; and, more importantly, will it be accurate? And when it touches me so much that I want to give Hope to these people, will I know what to do? Will I want to sell my car to provide medication to people? How will my husband deal with that? Something I didn't count on with this month's topic is how to balance Hope with Reality. That's clearer in the Hope for the Future view; more complex with Hope for the World. Well, I've still got 22 days to think about that.
And so I've found myself exploring the idea of Hope within the tragedy of the world. Although Hope for the Future is easier and more personal, Hope for the World is more Present. Living in the Present Moment is another Buddhist concept and is closely tied to Mindfulness. While Hope for the Future is good and necessary in order to set goals and make plans and not make stupid decisions, Hope for the World means I need to know what's going on in the world NOW.
I have never known what's going on in the world. Even when watching the news was required for social studies classes, I was never really interested. I now find that it has less to do with the actual news and more to do with the crap of media presentation (that is not a political statement!). I find I'm very interested when it comes to the personal stories of normal people.
For example, a radio station I listen to often carries a national show called the Satellite Sisters. One of these women recently went to a conference in Africa. I'm at work when this show is on, and so everything I hear, I only hear half. But I was fascinated by Liz's experiences and the things she heard and saw (besides Bono, who was also at the conference, and had a cheese omelet for breakfast). I strongly admire people who have strong ties to a particular cause, especially one as vast as the many crises in Africa.
A small note about Africa: I grew up Baptist, to very mission-minded parents (I even went on a mission trip to Europe -- that's light on the "mission" and heavy on the "trip to Europe"). In my world, missionaries came to our church to tell us about Africa -- jungles full of pagan tribes with horrible rituals and no English. To go to Africa meant learning how to learn a brand new language so as to translate the Bible into it, while also teaching English and Western culture. It meant traveling for days, away from all semblance of technology and culture. And mostly, what I learned on Mission Night at church is that showing too much interest in Africa will increase your chances of God "calling" you to live there forever, in the jungle.
My point here is that, in the midst of genocide and AIDS, there are some glimmers of Hope in Africa. They are small, but they are not insignificant. I want to be part of that hope. I want to hear about the horrendous events and circumstances, so that I can recognize Hope when I see it in such despair. And the part I now need to figure out is how to do that. Can I actually handle reading pages and pages of African horror online; and, more importantly, will it be accurate? And when it touches me so much that I want to give Hope to these people, will I know what to do? Will I want to sell my car to provide medication to people? How will my husband deal with that? Something I didn't count on with this month's topic is how to balance Hope with Reality. That's clearer in the Hope for the Future view; more complex with Hope for the World. Well, I've still got 22 days to think about that.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Hope: day 1
I have no idea what to do with this one. I'm not even sure what I was thinking about when I added it to the list. Maybe I was thinking of hope as opposed to despair. As dire as that sounds, it isn't actually hard to find despair if you watch the news and really think about the lives of the people of the world. Since I want my baby to be well-rounded and to be interested in current events and the issues of the world, I want her to be able to watch the news and hear about tragedy and find Hope.
Maybe I was thinking about Hope for her future. Whatever her goals and dreams, and whatever circumstances may stand in her way, I want her to always be hopeful about reaching her goals and attaining her dreams.
I think both perspectives are good, and I may have had both in mind. But that still doesn't help me figure out what to do about it this month. Maybe I'll think it over for a few days; that worked last time.
Maybe I was thinking about Hope for her future. Whatever her goals and dreams, and whatever circumstances may stand in her way, I want her to always be hopeful about reaching her goals and attaining her dreams.
I think both perspectives are good, and I may have had both in mind. But that still doesn't help me figure out what to do about it this month. Maybe I'll think it over for a few days; that worked last time.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Happy: day 30
Well, I really like the Happy Moment thing. I told my husband about it when I started. I said that, in a few years, when our daughter is old enough to look back on her day and talk about it, I'd like to incorporate this into our bedtime routine; sharing the day's Happy Moment (maybe we'll find a cooler name for it). He liked the idea and said we should make it a family tradition.
Okay, beyond "I liked it," here is what I've found through this exercise: Some days, I find myself wondering if a particular thing I'm doing will be my happy moment for the day. When I do that, I think I'm touching the edges of mindfulness. I slow down and try to enjoy the thing even more. Sometimes, though, that doesn't work, and even when I try to think about what I'm doing, I can't help thinking about the next thing I have to do. I catch myself wondering when the laundry will be done or how long it will take for the baby to fall asleep. And then, there are days that I don't even think about Happiness at all. But, no matter which kind of day it was, I have always been able to pinpoint a Happy Moment by the end.
I've been journaling for my daughter for over a year, since we found out we'd be having a baby. For the past 10 days, I've been recording my Happy Moments in her journal. I will continue to do that, even after the Happy month is ended. But, for you, here are my happy moments of the last 10 days:
Day 21: you already know -- attention for my baby's cuteness in the Starbucks.
Day 22: taking my baby outside to explore the feel of trees and leaves and bushes and grass.
Day 23: getting a long nap after several restless nights (she's got a cold).
Day 24: my baby, sitting on my lap, thoroughly enthralled with playing with my fingers.
Day 25: signing up for a knitting class and buying yarn for it at All About Yarn.
Day 26: buying more yarn at Joann's for a baby sweater (I bought a pattern book at All About Yarn.).
Day 27: After dinner was all cleaned up, I had the baby sitting with me on the floor while I started knitting her sweater. Her daddy had iTunes playing and was reading a book.
Day 28:Getting out of the house and going to Panera Bread for dinner and Borders to buy some books. We were really proud of ourselves for taking the baby out for a few hours, until we got home and I realized that I'd totally forgotten about feeding her rice cereal. Oops!
Day 29: I remembered the cereal! She was so cute and smart! I gave her an empty bowl to play with and she moved it from hand to hand, banged it on the highchair tray, dangled it over the side, and even figured out how to flip it over when it ended up upside down.
Day 30: Another nap on the couch with my baby!
Thus concludes my exercise in Happiness. Overall, I think it was a success, even though I still don't think people would look at me and say, "She's a happy person" yet. Yet.
Okay, beyond "I liked it," here is what I've found through this exercise: Some days, I find myself wondering if a particular thing I'm doing will be my happy moment for the day. When I do that, I think I'm touching the edges of mindfulness. I slow down and try to enjoy the thing even more. Sometimes, though, that doesn't work, and even when I try to think about what I'm doing, I can't help thinking about the next thing I have to do. I catch myself wondering when the laundry will be done or how long it will take for the baby to fall asleep. And then, there are days that I don't even think about Happiness at all. But, no matter which kind of day it was, I have always been able to pinpoint a Happy Moment by the end.
I've been journaling for my daughter for over a year, since we found out we'd be having a baby. For the past 10 days, I've been recording my Happy Moments in her journal. I will continue to do that, even after the Happy month is ended. But, for you, here are my happy moments of the last 10 days:
Day 21: you already know -- attention for my baby's cuteness in the Starbucks.
Day 22: taking my baby outside to explore the feel of trees and leaves and bushes and grass.
Day 23: getting a long nap after several restless nights (she's got a cold).
Day 24: my baby, sitting on my lap, thoroughly enthralled with playing with my fingers.
Day 25: signing up for a knitting class and buying yarn for it at All About Yarn.
Day 26: buying more yarn at Joann's for a baby sweater (I bought a pattern book at All About Yarn.).
Day 27: After dinner was all cleaned up, I had the baby sitting with me on the floor while I started knitting her sweater. Her daddy had iTunes playing and was reading a book.
Day 28:Getting out of the house and going to Panera Bread for dinner and Borders to buy some books. We were really proud of ourselves for taking the baby out for a few hours, until we got home and I realized that I'd totally forgotten about feeding her rice cereal. Oops!
Day 29: I remembered the cereal! She was so cute and smart! I gave her an empty bowl to play with and she moved it from hand to hand, banged it on the highchair tray, dangled it over the side, and even figured out how to flip it over when it ended up upside down.
Day 30: Another nap on the couch with my baby!
Thus concludes my exercise in Happiness. Overall, I think it was a success, even though I still don't think people would look at me and say, "She's a happy person" yet. Yet.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Happy: day 21
I had a brain wave on this topic tonight. See, while there is apparently research to show that using muscles to lift the corners of your mouth actually makes you feel happier, giving myself a wry smile every morning has not been doing much for me.
Tonight, the hubby had a friend over. We all went out for dinner (with the baby), then to Starbucks, and on the way home, stopped to rent a video game they spent the next 2 1/2 hours playing. It just made me think about how sad it is that I don't really have friends to invite for an evening of nothing. I sort of envied the fun; the happiness my hubby was enjoying.
So I decided that I should start a habit of doing something every day that makes me happy. It could be big, like buying a pair of shoes; or something really simple, like closing my eyes and focusing all energy on listening to a 5-star song on my iPod. But then, I realized that I must already be doing some simple things that could make me happy, if only I were aware of them.
Like tonight, after a little while in Starbucks, Hubby & Friend decided to go to EA Games to buy a video game (their disappointment there led to the Blockbuster run). While they were gone, my daughter and I were getting some subtle attention in the Starbucks, and my baby was being pretty damn cute. But I missed the happiness of the moment because I was trying to get her to eat, and when she refused to finish her bottle, I thought she'd fall asleep, but she kept fighting that too. I was okay giving up on that, but even then, it never occurred to me to wonder if I was happy in that moment.
So now, rather than making a habit of manufacturing moments of happiness, I would like to just write down one event or moment in each day that made me happy -- or would have if I'd been paying attention. And my goal for this habit is to start enjoying the moments of happiness as they happen instead of just in retrospect at the end of the day.
Hubby has been studying Buddhism for a while, and one of the keys he has found there is Mindfulness. While Happiness and Mindfulness are not the same thing, I think that happiness is easier to find when you are being mindful. So I guess that's what I'm working toward, without the background of Buddhism (which I wouldn't mind knowing).
Tonight, the hubby had a friend over. We all went out for dinner (with the baby), then to Starbucks, and on the way home, stopped to rent a video game they spent the next 2 1/2 hours playing. It just made me think about how sad it is that I don't really have friends to invite for an evening of nothing. I sort of envied the fun; the happiness my hubby was enjoying.
So I decided that I should start a habit of doing something every day that makes me happy. It could be big, like buying a pair of shoes; or something really simple, like closing my eyes and focusing all energy on listening to a 5-star song on my iPod. But then, I realized that I must already be doing some simple things that could make me happy, if only I were aware of them.
Like tonight, after a little while in Starbucks, Hubby & Friend decided to go to EA Games to buy a video game (their disappointment there led to the Blockbuster run). While they were gone, my daughter and I were getting some subtle attention in the Starbucks, and my baby was being pretty damn cute. But I missed the happiness of the moment because I was trying to get her to eat, and when she refused to finish her bottle, I thought she'd fall asleep, but she kept fighting that too. I was okay giving up on that, but even then, it never occurred to me to wonder if I was happy in that moment.
So now, rather than making a habit of manufacturing moments of happiness, I would like to just write down one event or moment in each day that made me happy -- or would have if I'd been paying attention. And my goal for this habit is to start enjoying the moments of happiness as they happen instead of just in retrospect at the end of the day.
Hubby has been studying Buddhism for a while, and one of the keys he has found there is Mindfulness. While Happiness and Mindfulness are not the same thing, I think that happiness is easier to find when you are being mindful. So I guess that's what I'm working toward, without the background of Buddhism (which I wouldn't mind knowing).
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