Gracious: Day 3

I had a mental/psychological break-through this weekend. I'm not sure how much I want to explain in the forum of this blog, but it actually fits pretty well with the topic of being Gracious.

Quickly, I had a work thing on Saturday. The speaker talked about tons of stuff related to working with kids. One thing he talked about was Shame. He listed many, many symptoms of having grown up in a "shame-based culture." I had every one of them.

So now, I'm going to try to work on that. He suggested that the best solution for these people is therapy. I tried that long ago and it did no good. I'm still paying the bills for it, and it did not help me AT ALL. I'm not doing that again, even with a new therapist. No way.

Actually, when I start to think about it, this entire blog experiment is surface level, and what I really need is to go deeper. That's probably why I haven't seen much change over the past 7 months. Being able to take complements (which is what I was thinking when I added "gracious" to my list) would be a RESULT of dealing with all the other crap I apparently have to deal with.

I did just start thinking about the Shame thing, and came up with several memories that helped. I was raised with the idea that what people think of me is, in fact, important. I think that's the biggest reason for most of my "symptoms." These are specifically:
people-pleasing
perfectionism
comparing self to others
setting unrealistically high expectations for self & others
beating self up when things don't go exactly right
not being able to handle it when things don't go your way
several more I can't remember

I have every one of these.

Now what?

Passionate: Day 26

It was in front of me all the time, but I've discovered what it is I'm passionate about. I'm passionate about being a good mom. And lately, I feel like I'm already failing completely. Without the details of my failures, I'm worried about the results. I'm afraid that working full-time and sending my daughter to a day care center three days a week is what's keeping her in a constant state of illness. I'm worried that, as she now knows what she wants and is getting better at communicating it, and has started throwing fits when she doesn't get it, that I'll consistently react wrong, and she'll become a selfish, spoiled only child. I think I'm turning into my mother, and I think that means my relationship with my daughter will repeat histroy; and that isn't good. And I'm afraid that my uptightness about all of this is making me an even WORSE mom!

So, maybe passion isn't my thing. I think she'll learn that better from her dad anyway!

Where have I been?

Okay, here's the deal. I'm a mom. I'm also a working mom. And my laptop broke last summer and has slowly been on the mend. All of those things together have made this blog fall by the wayside.

Also, I decided that "Disciplined" was a very stupid element to add to this exercise, so I quite in the middle of that one. That doesn't mean I quit the whole thing, it was just very hard to get back to it.

And the reason it was so hard is that I don't have any idea where to go with the Passion thing. It seems like I should find something to be passionate about, right? If you judge that by the time and energy I spend on things, other than my job, I must be passionate about keeping my house clean. That's pretty sad!

I do think that I'm passionate about my daughter and being a good mom. That's why I started this blog, right? But lately, I'm wondering if that's just making me paranoid and insecure (some health issues followed by seeing family with young children who are more perfect than mine). What I really need, to show her how good passion is, is to find something outside of my house to be passionate about. A charity or something. I'm in a book club, but that's pretty minor. I'd like to join an orchestra, but it'll be a while before I have that kind of time. I've wanted to volunteer for a while, and even have some ideas of where and what, but still, that darn time thing.

Okay, here's my project for Passion. I am going to be passionate about finding time. Time to play with my daughter without listening for the dryer to be done. Time to just sit and read. Time to watch meaningless TV with my husband. Time to knit. Time to catch up with the friends who have been neglected since motherhood came along. The problem with finding all this time is that I also place a pretty big emphasis on my time to Sleep! I've got a few weeks here, till I move on. Maybe I'll figure something out before Passion is over.

Disciplined: Day 16

This one is late because it's very low on my priority list. In fact, I think I added it in order to stick to my diet through the holidays.

I do want my daughter to be able to finish the things she starts. And if that's a diet, good for her, I guess. I did have "self-control" as a sub-point on The List. And that's what you need to get through a diet. It's also an important thing to teach her as she's young and impulsive. Once again, though, I'm not sure how to teach it. Is that one of those things that parents are somehow able to do, as long as they have the intention? I think I'm kind of counting on that with a lot of these things.

Confidence: Day ??

To conclude Confidence (almost a month behind), I have three areas of confidence that I've been thinking about.

First, confidence has a lot to do with appearance. Maybe it shouldn't, but I think it does for almost everyone at some point. I'm not very good at feeling confident in my appearance. I discovered a while ago that I could be pretty. And the reason I'm not pretty is just because I don't try very hard. I've never learned how to try hard. I think I went to a Mary Kay party in high school, and I remember some little gathering of girls to determine our best colors. But beyond that, I got quick (and not very good) lessons in make-up application and hair styling from my mom.

When my daughter is ready for these things (which will probably be before I'm ready for her to be ready...), I will actually do something about it. I will take her to Macy's and let someone at a make-up counter teach her what to do. I'll take her to a stylist and let them help her find the best style for her hair type (heck, she could use that now). I'll tell her about eyebrow shaping (something I didn't learn till college). I'll be up on current clothing styles (even if I won't allow them all in my house). I won't be afraid to shop at Gap Kids or Limited Too (although the bulk of her wardrobe will come from Target!). My mom was afraid of Dayton's. Although I don't want her appearance to be the most important thing to my daughter (like those Alpha girls), I don't want it to stand in the way of her confidence in these other areas:

Presence is closely related to appearance, but not the same thing. If you're not confident that you look good, it's very difficult to walk into a room confidently. But there are also those who feel they look good, but still aren't confident in a crowd. Maybe these are Betas. I want my daughter to be confident to walk into a room with poise. She doesn't need to be the prettiest girl in the room, or command the attention of everyone there; I just don't want her to hide in the shadows and hope no one sees her. I have no idea how to teach this one, since it's something I have a hard time with myself. Her dad is better at this; maybe he can teach us both.

The last area I thought of is Confidence in One's Abilities. This sort of has nothing to do with the other two, but think of those anti-social people who know they're really good at something. I don't want her to be like that either. But I do want her to feel that she's good at things, and to be confident about sharing those abilities. Humility is good, but not when it's fake, and not when it's covering a real desire to be noticed. I want to give her the confidence to have true humility. And I think the way to do that is to not just compliment her (my dad does that and it's just total cheese), but to ask her to make things using her talent, or to encourage her to teach others (or ME), or to join her in the activity so she can be better than I am. And I should work on not getting frustrated with myself and my creative failures.

So that's what I have to say on Confidence. This was one that I was really worried about; but I think I've learned a lot. I think that's why it's taken me almost 2 months to get through it.

Confidence: Day ??

Several years ago, Newsweek had an article about teen girls. They put them in the categories Alpha, Beta, and Gamma. I liked the article, but thought they needed at least one more category. I'm calling it Delta. I tried to find the article online and couldn't, so you'll just have to trust my overview.

Alpha girls are the popular ones. They always have perfect hair and clothes, just the right accessories, and wonder why others don't. I believe that most of these girls have the natural talent of fashion knowledge. They are often the girls who look adorable in an old sweat suit, and can make an outfit of a t-shirt and jeans, and their hair looks great in a ponytail. In high school (which is the demographic the article was dealing with), these girls are often snotty and very, very clique-y.

Beta girls want to be Alpha girls. They try harder to be fashion conscious (often because they don't have that natural talent), and tend to be more competitive. Beta girls don't have the confidence that Alpha girls do, often because they are not in the most elite cliques. When Alpha girls leave the house, they know they look great. When Beta girls leave the house, they wonder if the Alpha girls will approve.

Gamma girls couldn't care less about fashion. They are often athletic (although not always), and are more concerned about being comfortable than looking great. They are confident in the choices they're making, even if it doesn't make them popular. (An interesting side note: the article spent quite a bit of time on the fact that most Gamma girls are very involved in their churches.) Gamma girls are more interested in their education and having friends, than in primping in the bathroom and having the RIGHT friends.

I'd like to add the Delta girl. This is the category I fit in when I was in high school. Basically, Delta is to Gamma as Beta is to Alpha. Meaning: Beta girls lack the confidence of Alpha girls, but they really want to be the same. Delta girls lack confidence, but they want to be able to not care about what people think, the way Gamma girls can.

I'd also like to move this into adulthood a little bit. Alpha girls grown up are still the ones who look cute in anything. Their financial priorities are clothes, accessories, and gym memberships to keep looking great. Although some outgrow that snottiness, many do not. They may not have the elitist element that high school girls often do; if there a deal at Marshalls, they may be all over it. They may not care where their clothes are from, as long as they look great. But they maybe still don't quite understand that others don't really care.

Beta girls grown up have often gained some confidence. However, they tend to be defensive about it. Rather than being entirely comfortable with themselves, they enter a room with an attitude that says, I am HERE. And if you don't like it, I've got somethin' to say to you!

Gamma girls as women are often still athletic. They have gym memberships for the love of it, not for the obsession with weight. But then, Gamma girls are also the ones who can make plus-sizes sexy. They buy clothes for the purpose of covering, with an eye for what doesn't look terrible, but they don't take the time to think harder than that.

Delta girls, like me, still wish to be something else. I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me that I've never had a manicure or pedicure or a massage or facial. I wish I could look cute in clothes; I wish I could buy clothes that are cuter than mine. I wish I could lose weight, and I think that might help.

So, although I hope that all of these of women are interested in improving themselves, I think Gammas and Deltas are more self-aware of things that need to change. But I think Deltas sometimes get caught up in some superficial improvements that Gammas wouldn't bother with. I want to be a Gamma. I want to raise my daughter to be a Gamma. Now, if only I could figure out how

Confidence: Day 15

I think I've hit a turning point on this topic. The timing is incredible.

See, a few years ago, I had just started a job with kids. It was at a huge school, with lots of kids, and lots of staff. One of the staff, Linda, had my job title but a little different job discription. And she'd been there for years. She knew how everything should work and what wouldn't work at all. She got very good at micro-managing EVERYTHING! Another co-worker and I were always frustrated by that, and could never figure out how to deal with it.

That summer, a staff who had been there a few years before and left to teach, came back to work with us. Linda didn't affect her. At all. And not because Linda didn't try. This other staff (it's driving me crazy that I can't remember her name) just never let it touch her. She laughed at it, and was so far above it that it all seemed so petty to me.

It was refreshing to see that, and yet I somehow couldn't follow her lead.

I'm ready now.


I'm ready to let go of the desire for my parents to understand me. I'm ready to forget all the little infractions they've committed against me. I'm ready to stop trying to explain myself to them.

It saddens me that I couldn't get through to them. I tried. But when it's an unspoken rule that confrontation should be avoided at all costs, there is no time or place to bring these things up. We tried email, my husband tried conversation. But it was always an argument and never a discussion. I have long given up on trying to explain things point-blank. But I was sort of hoping we could get there with little comments or small actions.

Obviously, that's not working. I never should have thought that it would. So now, I'm getting beyond that. Maybe I'm giving up. But maybe that's not a bad thing.


What I'm finding as I contemplate this, is that it's going to take some serious Confidence. I don't think that 17 more days is going to be enough. But it will focus the Independence element of this month. And, Discipline may be the perfect thing to follow this up with.