This one is late because it's very low on my priority list. In fact, I think I added it in order to stick to my diet through the holidays.
I do want my daughter to be able to finish the things she starts. And if that's a diet, good for her, I guess. I did have "self-control" as a sub-point on The List. And that's what you need to get through a diet. It's also an important thing to teach her as she's young and impulsive. Once again, though, I'm not sure how to teach it. Is that one of those things that parents are somehow able to do, as long as they have the intention? I think I'm kind of counting on that with a lot of these things.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Confidence: Day ??
To conclude Confidence (almost a month behind), I have three areas of confidence that I've been thinking about.
First, confidence has a lot to do with appearance. Maybe it shouldn't, but I think it does for almost everyone at some point. I'm not very good at feeling confident in my appearance. I discovered a while ago that I could be pretty. And the reason I'm not pretty is just because I don't try very hard. I've never learned how to try hard. I think I went to a Mary Kay party in high school, and I remember some little gathering of girls to determine our best colors. But beyond that, I got quick (and not very good) lessons in make-up application and hair styling from my mom.
When my daughter is ready for these things (which will probably be before I'm ready for her to be ready...), I will actually do something about it. I will take her to Macy's and let someone at a make-up counter teach her what to do. I'll take her to a stylist and let them help her find the best style for her hair type (heck, she could use that now). I'll tell her about eyebrow shaping (something I didn't learn till college). I'll be up on current clothing styles (even if I won't allow them all in my house). I won't be afraid to shop at Gap Kids or Limited Too (although the bulk of her wardrobe will come from Target!). My mom was afraid of Dayton's. Although I don't want her appearance to be the most important thing to my daughter (like those Alpha girls), I don't want it to stand in the way of her confidence in these other areas:
Presence is closely related to appearance, but not the same thing. If you're not confident that you look good, it's very difficult to walk into a room confidently. But there are also those who feel they look good, but still aren't confident in a crowd. Maybe these are Betas. I want my daughter to be confident to walk into a room with poise. She doesn't need to be the prettiest girl in the room, or command the attention of everyone there; I just don't want her to hide in the shadows and hope no one sees her. I have no idea how to teach this one, since it's something I have a hard time with myself. Her dad is better at this; maybe he can teach us both.
The last area I thought of is Confidence in One's Abilities. This sort of has nothing to do with the other two, but think of those anti-social people who know they're really good at something. I don't want her to be like that either. But I do want her to feel that she's good at things, and to be confident about sharing those abilities. Humility is good, but not when it's fake, and not when it's covering a real desire to be noticed. I want to give her the confidence to have true humility. And I think the way to do that is to not just compliment her (my dad does that and it's just total cheese), but to ask her to make things using her talent, or to encourage her to teach others (or ME), or to join her in the activity so she can be better than I am. And I should work on not getting frustrated with myself and my creative failures.
So that's what I have to say on Confidence. This was one that I was really worried about; but I think I've learned a lot. I think that's why it's taken me almost 2 months to get through it.
First, confidence has a lot to do with appearance. Maybe it shouldn't, but I think it does for almost everyone at some point. I'm not very good at feeling confident in my appearance. I discovered a while ago that I could be pretty. And the reason I'm not pretty is just because I don't try very hard. I've never learned how to try hard. I think I went to a Mary Kay party in high school, and I remember some little gathering of girls to determine our best colors. But beyond that, I got quick (and not very good) lessons in make-up application and hair styling from my mom.
When my daughter is ready for these things (which will probably be before I'm ready for her to be ready...), I will actually do something about it. I will take her to Macy's and let someone at a make-up counter teach her what to do. I'll take her to a stylist and let them help her find the best style for her hair type (heck, she could use that now). I'll tell her about eyebrow shaping (something I didn't learn till college). I'll be up on current clothing styles (even if I won't allow them all in my house). I won't be afraid to shop at Gap Kids or Limited Too (although the bulk of her wardrobe will come from Target!). My mom was afraid of Dayton's. Although I don't want her appearance to be the most important thing to my daughter (like those Alpha girls), I don't want it to stand in the way of her confidence in these other areas:
Presence is closely related to appearance, but not the same thing. If you're not confident that you look good, it's very difficult to walk into a room confidently. But there are also those who feel they look good, but still aren't confident in a crowd. Maybe these are Betas. I want my daughter to be confident to walk into a room with poise. She doesn't need to be the prettiest girl in the room, or command the attention of everyone there; I just don't want her to hide in the shadows and hope no one sees her. I have no idea how to teach this one, since it's something I have a hard time with myself. Her dad is better at this; maybe he can teach us both.
The last area I thought of is Confidence in One's Abilities. This sort of has nothing to do with the other two, but think of those anti-social people who know they're really good at something. I don't want her to be like that either. But I do want her to feel that she's good at things, and to be confident about sharing those abilities. Humility is good, but not when it's fake, and not when it's covering a real desire to be noticed. I want to give her the confidence to have true humility. And I think the way to do that is to not just compliment her (my dad does that and it's just total cheese), but to ask her to make things using her talent, or to encourage her to teach others (or ME), or to join her in the activity so she can be better than I am. And I should work on not getting frustrated with myself and my creative failures.
So that's what I have to say on Confidence. This was one that I was really worried about; but I think I've learned a lot. I think that's why it's taken me almost 2 months to get through it.
Confidence: Day ??
Several years ago, Newsweek had an article about teen girls. They put them in the categories Alpha, Beta, and Gamma. I liked the article, but thought they needed at least one more category. I'm calling it Delta. I tried to find the article online and couldn't, so you'll just have to trust my overview.
Alpha girls are the popular ones. They always have perfect hair and clothes, just the right accessories, and wonder why others don't. I believe that most of these girls have the natural talent of fashion knowledge. They are often the girls who look adorable in an old sweat suit, and can make an outfit of a t-shirt and jeans, and their hair looks great in a ponytail. In high school (which is the demographic the article was dealing with), these girls are often snotty and very, very clique-y.
Beta girls want to be Alpha girls. They try harder to be fashion conscious (often because they don't have that natural talent), and tend to be more competitive. Beta girls don't have the confidence that Alpha girls do, often because they are not in the most elite cliques. When Alpha girls leave the house, they know they look great. When Beta girls leave the house, they wonder if the Alpha girls will approve.
Gamma girls couldn't care less about fashion. They are often athletic (although not always), and are more concerned about being comfortable than looking great. They are confident in the choices they're making, even if it doesn't make them popular. (An interesting side note: the article spent quite a bit of time on the fact that most Gamma girls are very involved in their churches.) Gamma girls are more interested in their education and having friends, than in primping in the bathroom and having the RIGHT friends.
I'd like to add the Delta girl. This is the category I fit in when I was in high school. Basically, Delta is to Gamma as Beta is to Alpha. Meaning: Beta girls lack the confidence of Alpha girls, but they really want to be the same. Delta girls lack confidence, but they want to be able to not care about what people think, the way Gamma girls can.
I'd also like to move this into adulthood a little bit. Alpha girls grown up are still the ones who look cute in anything. Their financial priorities are clothes, accessories, and gym memberships to keep looking great. Although some outgrow that snottiness, many do not. They may not have the elitist element that high school girls often do; if there a deal at Marshalls, they may be all over it. They may not care where their clothes are from, as long as they look great. But they maybe still don't quite understand that others don't really care.
Beta girls grown up have often gained some confidence. However, they tend to be defensive about it. Rather than being entirely comfortable with themselves, they enter a room with an attitude that says, I am HERE. And if you don't like it, I've got somethin' to say to you!
Gamma girls as women are often still athletic. They have gym memberships for the love of it, not for the obsession with weight. But then, Gamma girls are also the ones who can make plus-sizes sexy. They buy clothes for the purpose of covering, with an eye for what doesn't look terrible, but they don't take the time to think harder than that.
Delta girls, like me, still wish to be something else. I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me that I've never had a manicure or pedicure or a massage or facial. I wish I could look cute in clothes; I wish I could buy clothes that are cuter than mine. I wish I could lose weight, and I think that might help.
So, although I hope that all of these of women are interested in improving themselves, I think Gammas and Deltas are more self-aware of things that need to change. But I think Deltas sometimes get caught up in some superficial improvements that Gammas wouldn't bother with. I want to be a Gamma. I want to raise my daughter to be a Gamma. Now, if only I could figure out how
Alpha girls are the popular ones. They always have perfect hair and clothes, just the right accessories, and wonder why others don't. I believe that most of these girls have the natural talent of fashion knowledge. They are often the girls who look adorable in an old sweat suit, and can make an outfit of a t-shirt and jeans, and their hair looks great in a ponytail. In high school (which is the demographic the article was dealing with), these girls are often snotty and very, very clique-y.
Beta girls want to be Alpha girls. They try harder to be fashion conscious (often because they don't have that natural talent), and tend to be more competitive. Beta girls don't have the confidence that Alpha girls do, often because they are not in the most elite cliques. When Alpha girls leave the house, they know they look great. When Beta girls leave the house, they wonder if the Alpha girls will approve.
Gamma girls couldn't care less about fashion. They are often athletic (although not always), and are more concerned about being comfortable than looking great. They are confident in the choices they're making, even if it doesn't make them popular. (An interesting side note: the article spent quite a bit of time on the fact that most Gamma girls are very involved in their churches.) Gamma girls are more interested in their education and having friends, than in primping in the bathroom and having the RIGHT friends.
I'd like to add the Delta girl. This is the category I fit in when I was in high school. Basically, Delta is to Gamma as Beta is to Alpha. Meaning: Beta girls lack the confidence of Alpha girls, but they really want to be the same. Delta girls lack confidence, but they want to be able to not care about what people think, the way Gamma girls can.
I'd also like to move this into adulthood a little bit. Alpha girls grown up are still the ones who look cute in anything. Their financial priorities are clothes, accessories, and gym memberships to keep looking great. Although some outgrow that snottiness, many do not. They may not have the elitist element that high school girls often do; if there a deal at Marshalls, they may be all over it. They may not care where their clothes are from, as long as they look great. But they maybe still don't quite understand that others don't really care.
Beta girls grown up have often gained some confidence. However, they tend to be defensive about it. Rather than being entirely comfortable with themselves, they enter a room with an attitude that says, I am HERE. And if you don't like it, I've got somethin' to say to you!
Gamma girls as women are often still athletic. They have gym memberships for the love of it, not for the obsession with weight. But then, Gamma girls are also the ones who can make plus-sizes sexy. They buy clothes for the purpose of covering, with an eye for what doesn't look terrible, but they don't take the time to think harder than that.
Delta girls, like me, still wish to be something else. I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me that I've never had a manicure or pedicure or a massage or facial. I wish I could look cute in clothes; I wish I could buy clothes that are cuter than mine. I wish I could lose weight, and I think that might help.
So, although I hope that all of these of women are interested in improving themselves, I think Gammas and Deltas are more self-aware of things that need to change. But I think Deltas sometimes get caught up in some superficial improvements that Gammas wouldn't bother with. I want to be a Gamma. I want to raise my daughter to be a Gamma. Now, if only I could figure out how
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